The Holidays, Fuck 2008, Deep Breaths, Welcome 2009

Holidays, My Mom is Amazing

Well I was anticipating something happening inside emotionally during the holidays this year but wasn’t sure what. I’ve been warned by several friends that sometimes the first round of the major holidays after a divorce can be really rough. I got lots of awesome txt msgs from co-workers that know my situation, telling me that I could call them if I needed to. It was awesome of them and I was thankful. I was generally OK for Christmas for a few reasons I think. I had my sons to celebrate with and could find happiness and thankfulness with them. A big lucky bonus for me though was my mom flying up to be here for Christmas in my new apartment, being there for me to talk to, her seeing her son’s first apartment as an adult by himself (remember I was married essentially since I was 16 until last year). It was definitely an emotional ordeal and she was awesome on every level. I can’t express in words how thankful I am for her, her support, understanding, feedback, and life experience. She is selfless is so many ways.

My First “Run In”

I had an interesting experience shopping for my middle son’s birthday gifts the other day. I was heading into Best Buy with my 6 year old and low and behold in front of me were my ex and her dude all cuddly with each other, in arms, etc. They didn’t notice us so I lagged back a little and then went in. My son recognized them and said something to me and I had to respond with something light and positive. I thought I was ready to see that but out of nowhere my blood started to boil at the thought of how quickly she was able to hook up emotionally with this guy literally 2 wks after our separation and now they’re all lovey dovey with each other. Thoughts of extreme violence ran through my head, wanting to hit the fucker in the side of the head with a bat and watch him bleed to death. Thinking back to how I had invited him into my house and cooked for him as a ‘family friend’ before, hooking him up with some shoes from my retail store when my ex had told me he had no money, all while her and I were still married, while they were privately establishing feelings for each other. He even played dumb when I confronted him on hanging out with her alone while we weren’t decided yet on getting a divorce. He said he didn’t know we were having problems and was just being her friend. All those thoughts racing through my head. Here I was with my 6 year old, they’re in the same store with us unknowingly, I’m feeling violent as fuck but putting on an act for my son so that for him we’re just shopping for his brother’s birthday present. It was so hard to maintain my self control. I deserve a gold star for my academy award performance that day. I called her and she came over to my son and I in the store to talk about the birthday presents, etc.

I had to text my ex later and tell her I’m not ready to see that and that it’s best she help keep her man out of my sights for a long while. I was raised by a very intense, emotional, violent father with a vietnam/marine core background…taught to be violently vindictive if I’m disrespected or lied to. I’ve never acted on those impulses my whole life thanks to years of counseling and the fact that I have kids keeping my head on straight. It was just fucked up hard. I haven’t had a challenge like that in a long time. Whenever I start feeling like I have a full grasp on forgiveness and peace, new unexpected situations come around and set me back a few paces. Ugh. It was exhausting to say the least. Trying to let go of that yet *again*.

Girls, Girls, Girls, Not Ready Yet

So the dating/girl thing has been an interesting learning experience. I’ve dated lightly for sex with some. I’ve just hung out with others. I’ve tried a couple relationship-level girls that were really fucking cool but I ran into a snag with that stuff. It’s a mental cluster fuck trying to detach my brain from being in the marriage mindset..not knowing how to just date and keep it light. Recently I had to break up with another girl that was really into me, she was really cool, my ‘type’, the total relationship package….BUT….every time I date girls, it feels great for 2 wks and then all of a sudden I just shut down. I can’t give to the relationship. I’m still tapped out. I talked to my mom about it and she reiterated to me that I most likely need to learn how to have a relationship with myself first. Until that happens, I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. I have to remind myself that there is no timeline. I also have to remind myself of something else that my mom said which is, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I need to learn how to *know* that those two are NOT one in the same. It’s mental and all within my control. So after sadly breaking it off with another really cool girl a couple days ago, hurting her feelings pretty bad, feeling guilty about it, I’ve decided to kill off all online dating accounts, telling every girl that shows interest in me that I want nothing serious right now. Period. I had so much guilt breaking it off with this last girl but my mom said that I wouldn’t be able to come to the conclusion that I NEED to be single for awhile unless I went through and botched some dates/girls, etc. It sucks people have to be hurt through all this but I guess it’s what happens. I have some other friends going through a divorce and they’re doing the same bullshit….so I guess that makes me normal? Whew.

Ready to Make 2009 My Bitch

So throughout November and December of last year I had turned into quite the double personality stoner/drinker. When I had the kids, I was a responsible and sober father figure. The moment they left my house, I’d just go on a bender with weed and drinking. Starting New Year’s Eve, I got rid of the rest of my pot, toned down the drinking and hit the gym again. My creative juices are flowing again. I got a new camera, brought all my art/painting supplies over from the old condo, set up my easel, focusing on some work side projects, and am playing lots of music at home and with my new band. I’m already starting to feel better and excited about the new year and where it’s gonna take me.

More later….thanks for reading.

Finally Growing Up A Little

Again it has been awhile since my last post. So much has changed in so little time it’s crazy.

My First Apartment

It has been so bizarre, new, scary, lonely, and amazing all at the same time. Keep in mind that this is the first time that I’ve had my own place, my own bills, my thoughts, as an adult, since my ex and I got together at 15 years old. I remember the day I was shown this apartment and it felt so weird, like I was finally really closing my last marriage chapter. I felt like I was in someone else’s body living their life. The first few weeks were gnarly, just trying to move in, get it furnished so it didn’t feel like some college dorm…making sure it could feel like a home not only for myself but more importantly for my three sons. All kinds of crazy thoughts were running through my head..will I like this? Am I comfortable? Will my kids like it ok and feel like they can call it a home? If not, what will I do then? It was insane the amount of work I had to do to make all this happen on my own both physically, financially, mentally and emotionally.

But here I am, with my own place, and my kids like it. I now love it. I’m really enjoying my life right now. I’m at a place that I thought I’d never arrive at when all this first started going down. I’ve got so much to learn still about myself but I’m so thankful for what I have.

A Serious Fucking Bender

Ok…so up above I simplified my situation a little as far as how I got to where I’m at mentally. Since I got into this apartment, MANY gnarly changes have occurred..some great..some scary..some not so great. I remember once I got settled into this place back in mid September, when I was done moving in and putting everything away. I was getting anxiety every time I didn’t have the kids because I was super fucking lonely, didn’t know what to do with myself. Some of my darkest shit started creeping up to the surface, stuff that I never really worked out in counseling when I thought I had. My female abandonment issues came back but in a different morphed version. Issues with my father’s violence, guilt for treating my little brother like shit since my dad was like that to me….it all started to kick in heavy.

I had a few days here and there where I would go downtown by myself, smoke weed, drink my fucking guts out, and just walk around crying my eyes out in some parking structure somewhere. I couldn’t believe I was doing that shit. Here I was, grown man, good father of three sons, always been a stable adult, and I was a mess, actually contemplating driving off a cliff at times in a drunken sad ball of fury. How the hell could I feel so out of control all of a sudden? I was so fucking lonely I could die. I was feeling depressed, jealous that my ex had her comfy new man and had someone to go home to when I had the kids, someone to share stuff with, etc. I was hating shit. I couldn’t wait to get my kids back every week to give me some reason to stay alive and have some excuse to at least act like I was happy…cause every time they’d go back with their mom, I had anxiety because I knew the time to be alone with my demons had a approached. Those days were hell. This weekly bender thing went on for at least a month.

Awakening To The Next Phase of Healing

So I started reading some books about divorce and anger and healing ’cause I knew that I really needed to pull my head out of my angry ass sooner than later. I had a great job and 3 sons that needed the best dad they could have, the one they truly deserved. They needed to have a wonderful time while they were with me that was full of love, affection, camaraderie, guidance, structure, and fun. I couldn’t do that for them if I was flailing around like an ass.

I was finding that  while my roots are in Christianity and still are, the practical philosophies and practices in Buddhism were so amazing and simple and actually were in line with my Christianity that I was stoked. It was like everything that I thought was judgmental and awful and twisted about Christianity because of what human beings had done with it here on earth, I could move on from and disregard. I finally found a philosophy that was realistic and logical that would actually allow me to eventually become the spiritual guy I’ve always wanted to be. I first read Dharma Punx, a memoir written by Noah Levine. Based in Santa Cruz, CA, he talked about his childhood as a punk rock kid, with a passion and penchant for music, lots of idealism, angry at the world and all it’s oppressions, doing drugs, starting fights, making excuses for all of his bullshit behavior. Then it goes into his transformation into being essentially a practicing Buddhist on a major level and how he switched to different railroad tracks to serve and love others and appreciate everything around him, being in the moment and at peace. Definitely and excellent read.

Another one I’ve been reading that is awesome and I’m not done with it yet is called Storms Can’t Hurt The Sky, by Gabriel Cohen. It does apply the Buddhist teachings to divorce but it also just covers some generally great concepts in Buddhism that are realistic. One of the things that has helped me in this book is the concept of “Desirous Attachment”. We are notorious as human beings for attaching our happiness to objects or people or beings outside of ourselves. The problem here with that approach is obvious. These things are always fleeting, they always let us down, we have no control over them, and more. This book has really helped me to start to find peace within myself by letting go of the things that I can’t control, the things that aren’t tangible that you can’t hold in your hand – i.e. the past, the future. Those things don’t exist, yet think about how often we spin our wheels in our heads about shit we couldn’t control yesterday and things that we can’t control tomorrow cause tomorrow isn’t even here yet or real?! It’s insane to think about how much time I’ve wasted, how much energy I’ve spent, how much quality time with my children or friends and family that I didn’t allow myself to fully experience because my brain was spun up somewhere else. I get choked up just thinking about it. Anyway…I’ll fold up my soapbox now about that subject. The bottom line is, even if you aren’t getting a divorce, this book has some practical stuff in it that can be applied to just about anything. I hate reading books because I’m so impatient and learn visually and by doing but  it was an easy read for me.

The Here And Now

So here I am. It’s November, almost December. Other than the fact that Nov. 20 would’ve been our 15 year anniversary and I had a little breakdown and some crying/sobbing about that, I’ve been much more stable and just exploring myself and dating a little here and there, nothing too serious on purpose of course. I’m starting to really see the light that I have coming towards me with regards to inner peace, and the desire to start getting back into the things that I love the most: my kids, photography, music, art, and film.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say next month! Thanks for reading. I promise to write up all my latest struggles, lessons I’m learning, and triumphs through all this. I hope that if anything comes of this blog, it’s that someone else going through what I went through sees that their lives are special and unique and that they can make of it whatever they choose to.

Onward!

Big Steps…The Next Chapter is Beginning..

So here I am again on an airplane. It’s a good place to type up blog posts ’cause there’s no job, no ex, no kids, no friends, no distractions. I can just listen to music and get out the next round of information.

The Rebound
I never wanted to be a statistic. I never wanted to be the guy where everyone knew what I was gonna do next, how I was gonna feel, where I was gonna blow it, and worse….knew I’d do what everyone else did when they got divorced…..rebound hard like a motherfucker. In a fucked up hurt panic state I immediately in May started looking online at dating sites and met someone quickly that was actually really fucking cool…within two weeks of all this even starting to go down. All my friends warned me, my counselor warned me..”dude you aren’t ready, you are still so hurt and angry, give yourself some space to digest all of this crazy shit going on in your life.” Being the indignant bastard that I can be, I plunged in deep making commitments to this person, having never known any other mindset other than marriage since my ex and I got together so young. I was pouring on the love to this person so hard that they latched on like any sensitive loving person would. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and was like, ‘oh shit, what have I done?

I’m not ready for anyone right now’…but the damage was done. I had hurt this person bad. Their heart, at least temporarily, became a casualty of my pain from my divorce. I ended that stint but we are still friends and she’s been, even though hurt, extremely understanding. I was so disappointed in myself for doing that to someone and for doing something that was so known to happen. My mom married off the rebound and stayed married for nine years, ending up with another pregnancy and eventually divorce. I’m so glad I thought hard about what she had done and made changes to not fall into that trap…for the sake of this girl I briefly dated, and for the sake of my own well being and growth.

The Demons Not Dealt With
After I left this girl, immediately I uncovered massive amounts of anger that I had not resolved, sadness and depression that I had not healed from enough to pull myself out of the pit of tar like emotional shit that I was stuck in from my ex leaving me. I went back to where I was – looping on crap that I couldn’t control. At that time we hadn’t figured out what we were gonna do with the condo yet and now that I had broken up with that girl, I was on my own to find a place to sleep when I was not sleeping at the condo. Nothing sucks more than being a grown man with 3 kids, begging your friends to sleep on their couch, interrupting their quiet evenings after work when they want to be alone and enjoy their marriage(s). One night I came down with the stomach flu at my friends house in the middle of the night but couldn’t go back to the condo cause it was my ex’s turn to sleep there. I was at an all time low for me – no girl in my life, no place to go without the guilt of disturbing others, puking my brains out in their bathroom at 3AM in someone else’s house. I felt like I had nothing (which wasn’t true but my depression was taking over). I went to a counselor and she asked me a few questions and said it was obvious I was depressed, probably worse than I’ve ever been. I was so sad I had no one by my side and no where to go. I was so sick of living out of a fucking suitcase when I had worked so hard for so many years providing for a family. I was at a point where my happiness in front of the kids became an act. I felt so shitty about that cause it had nothing to do with them…I was just so bummed. The men in my family do NOT like to ask for help from anyone. I was raised by a marine and we always were expected to do shit on our own and never ask for help. That extreme is not healthy but it’s how I was raised..now I was groveling…

The Numbers
This paragraph will seem abrupt from the last one but it ties in. I realized that the main thing stopping me from moving on was this condo I was still having to live in. I needed my own space. I need somewhere to go to be me and to heal, unfettered. We talked to a real estate agent and the amount we owed vs. the amount it was worth in this wonderful housing market right now was looking bleak, like our condo was just gonna fuck with us for the next year. We looked into a short sale, etc and nothing was lining up. We consulted with an attorney and he brought up filing for bankruptcy. We started to really discuss it and it sounds pretty nice. It allowed us to hit the reset button on our finances and all the holes we had dug ourselves into with the condo, etc….all the living beyond our means, and decided it was the best option. I would now be able to save money and find a place for myself…the moment I’ve been needing and waiting for…the light at the end of the tunnel that wasn’t a train coming at me.

I’ve since started moving in, have slept there, gotten some furniture in there that is halfway decent. My next step this weekend is to build out the boys rooms with furniture and some of there personal stuff from the other place so that it can start to feel like a real home for them. We told our 5 year old the situation last weekend and he *seemed* to take it ok the way that we described it to him. We both met with our counselor to make sure we broke him the news. I’m hoping that by October 1st I can have the whole place ready so that I don’t ever have to sleep in that condo again and really start moving on permanently.

New Experiences
So since I’m not going to seriously date anyone right now, I’ve been exposed to the casual dating thing. When a male is in their teens/twenties they’re supposed to date, have sex, figure out what works for them in a woman and what doesn’t. I never did that so I’m kinda playing catch up. I’ve had some encounters that were casual and consentual with other females, etc. Maybe it’s cause I’m in my 30′s but while I have a high sex drive and love adventure, after it happens I feel really empty inside. I really miss being physical with someone I actually love and care about. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend at my brother’s wedding. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal it but afterwards it’s like, while the sex is, by my standards, good, part of me is like….umm..that’s all there is in that life? This is all new territory to me and I’m sure I’ll be able to relax about it and eventually not overanalyze casual encounters and just enjoy them for what they are, it’s just hard to digest for me right now I guess. I feel so under developed in this area emotionally and it’s hard to not feel like I’m an alien. Maybe I just shouldn’t worry about it. It’s such a conflict internally to be geared towards being in a relationship mindset because I was married for so many years but other parts of me are now growing up. It’s like I’m now traversing my late teens, then my early 20′s, then my mid 20′s all in like a 6-12 month period. It kinda scrambles the brain a little bit. The journey is a trip nonetheless…

More later….

Metamorphisis

There have been so many changes inside me since my last post. Thanks to all for the continued support as I’ve gone through this crazy shit. A lot of great things have happened to me. My close friends have become closer. I recently got a new job, one that after 13+ years in the same industry is finally what I really want to do, allowing me to do some traveling, which in turn provides me with some time to think and grow as an individual.

The fog of anger, sadness, desperation is finally starting to clear out of my packed, confused, and in many cases immature head. Because we got together so young, while there were parts of me that had to grow up fast to be the bread winner for our family, to be a father, to be a husband, there were parts of me that just never had a chance to grow up. It all kinda hit me a week or so ago. Some of these facets of me just abruptly stopped their development when I was 16 because I was basically married at that point. I spent my 20′s raising children, working a day job, trying to be a husband. Her and I both were trying to be something we were totally ill-equipped to be. I have to say that our kids have turned out great, are full of self-esteem, and communicate their thoughts and feelings with us openly. In some ways they’re more clear headed that I am since they don’t have all the baggage.

The ex and I are becoming increasingly good friends and are working together to deal with selling our condo and getting our lives on track. I know she has no intention of continuing counseling which I think is a mistake for her but that’s not for me to worry about anymore. Furthermore my well being is not for her to worry about as much anymore either. We will make our beds and we will lay in them, just as we did when we got married and had children too young.

There were so many parts of me that were locked away, core parts of me that were normal for my personality, that are positive traits but that were just not compatible with my previous wife, traits that are compatible with other females. I’ve started hanging out with a female that on the surface is a better match for me but I need to be careful with this shit. I remember when the heaviest of strings in my life were detached from my heart, I was in a hurry to reattach them, and if not the ones from my ex, any heavy emotional strings from someone else that I could find as soon as possible. I thought that if I didn’t, I would bleed to death and that those holes would not be able to heal on their own.

I realized that even though I have a self-absorbed personality, I’ve been pretty much looking out for others my whole life. I emotionally shouldered the burden of  my parents divorce to protect myself and my brother. I met my ex in high school, she was co-dependent and quiet and shy so I knew I could protect her from the world and life and took that on. We then had kids and I then was here on this planet to protect them and work too many hours to provide for them, missing out on all the little things that are important in their lives.

Through all this I realized that I had not once taken any time to care for my own heart, figure out who I was, analyze what all my issues were, what kind of mate I’d like to be with, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, what I wanted to do as a career….I just kept going and going, sacrificing myself logistically and emotionally for others, and resenting it in many cases.

As this fog clears, I see there are now so may gaps in who I am as a mate, a father, an individual. I’m now working to fill these gaps through counseling and changing my habits. I now see the kids for half the week and instead of coming home and working some more while they sit around and watch TV, I make sure we go somewhere, anywhere…to the beach, out to eat, to the park…somewhere that we can interact with each other for a few hours and be silly and create smiles and memories that I probably appeared to never be interested in with them before.

We were so young and I had to work to make sure we weren’t poor like I was. I just got stuck in that mindset of making sure I always had work to do so that we’d never be poor and things would always be stable. There was a price that had to be paid for that and in many ways I believe the kids paid that price. I also paid the price for not learning how to smell the roses and losing touch with the ones that were most important to me.

The thing is I can’t beat myself up for that crap. Now is the opportunity for me to switch the railroad tracks, to fill all those gaps inside my psyche and heart that I have as a result of being so young, being a child, rushing into making adult decisions. It’s time to reprogram my relationship with my children so that it’s more connected, in tune and present. It brings me to tears even typing this as I sit on an airplane for a business trip right now. I forgive myself but I think it will always be hard to talk about.

I’ll be starting a weekly meditation class, painting more, playing drums more, doing more photography, reading more books, taking the kids on more trips with just their dad, more than they ever thought we’d do because of who I was before. I’m excited about the canvas that is empty and laid out before me in all facets of my life. I still struggle here and there to see the endless potential still because I spent so many years as a rat in a cage of accountability and responsibility that had no light outside. The door to the cage is wide open but parts of me want to try and close it again cause it’s all I know. Fortunately I have so many people in my life that are encouraging me and keeping me on track, encouraging me to leave the cage and explore.

I’m working hard towards being more centered with everything and everyone around me…..I have so much work to do but I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do so.

More later.

Another Huge Step

So last Saturday was indeed one of the most intense days I’ve had in a long time. We had scheduled to tell our older sons, 11 and 12, that we were getting divorced. I’ve felt sick about it for a couple weeks. While I knew this divorce was gonna be one that was not chaotic and malicious and fucked up, I still had flashbacks to my own parents divorce, which was shitty. They yelled at each other, my mom just straight up bailed, my dad had women coming in and out of the house that were sort of bonding with us. I had to remind myself that my divorce was most likely gonna be nothing like my own parents divorce.

We took them to a secluded beach and basically just laid it out to them. My ex was the one to initially tell them and I started filling in the gaps with more information. Both of them broke down in front of us, which we expected, and she and I did as well. It was really hard and rough for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, they gathered themselves up and asked us more questions about the logistics, etc. Once we clarified with them that the only major difference was that we’d have two differences places to live between us, that we’d have to do some schedule juggling, but that their schools/friends/support/their parents involvement, will all stay the same.

The kids have some good long vacations and breaks away from all this with my mom, etc. so that’ll allow us to work through the logistical stuff and selling our house, dealing with clean up, and more.

More to come on this front….

New Horizons Can Now Be Televised

Recovery Has Begun

It’s been a long gnarly ride this last month or so. I’ve been through so much shit, wading through the tarpits of my childhood, my past, my patterns and how all this tied into my previous marriage, fucked up half of it, and contributed to bringing it to an end.

The most important thing for me here is that even though there was all that grief and pain and misery, I feel stronger than ever right now as an individual, I feel like I have more tools now than I’ve ever had to tackle my next chapters in my life. I’m learning to just enjoy being me for me. I’m learning to enjoy my 3 sons more and all their little moments. Life is starting to feel good.

During my marriage, I had locked away so many things that were core parts of me because they were incompatible with my wife. These were things that were important for me to express and use and share with people. I had shut all that down for years and it turned me into this moody pseudo-depressed weirdo. It turned me into everything I hate about my dad. I love my dad and he has many great qualities but he’s just a downer. I was headed in that direction. I’m so glad I’m not now.

Through this process, my relationship with my sons, my mom, and my close friends, have all gotten even closer. Most importantly during these tough times, with God’s help, my relationship with myself has begun the process of building and assembling. I’m a super social guy and normally idle time with no one around me fucks with my head. I’m now starting to embrace time alone, reading a book, listening to music, doing more photography and art, thinking about things more methodically and a couple times through before executing on a plan. I’ve been reading the Bible a lot as well as some amazing translations of some Buddhist passages. There are so many peaceful introspective parallels between both paths.

Something New

So I met a new female friend. We’re just friends. There’s no dating or sex or any of that right now. We’re just hanging out and talking about life. She has turned me on to a meditation retreat at spiritrock.com. You basically go there and sit for hours in total silence so that you can clear your head from work and everything else. I really want do this and I’m afraid at the same time. I heard that some gnarly stuff comes up in your mind as time passes with no audio or visual stimulation. Layers of your daily life spin around and eventually fall off of your mind, making way for other stuff that sits deeper down below. Being someone that is accustomed to needing constant external stimulation, this exercise will be the opposite of anything that is me, which is why it excites and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Surfing The Couches

During this month while we figure out how to sell our condo, we won’t be paying for another ‘cabin’ type thing so I’ll be couch surfing on and off for a little bit. A few weeks ago it would’ve bothered me but I’m looking at it as part of my self-development during this transition. I’ll be meeting new people along the way, catching up with old friends when I crash at their house, etc. I’m looking forward to it now. The dynamic environment changes will be really great for me I think.

I’m off to go hang with my sons for a little bit, work a little bit, hit the gym, take some pictures, and then maybe visit a friend later.

Until the next post…:-)

The Format Of This Blog Is Now Changing

So as I turn the corner from the initial shakedown of all this and move into self-discovery mode,  I will be posting only a couple times a week as opposed to every day. Posting every day was getting me through the minutiae of the last phase I was going through when all this started. It was a place to vent, rant, work through my thoughts by writing them out. I’m starting to move past that now and am focusing on myself, going through some self-actualization, traversing mental landscapes inside myself that I had locked away for so long, starting the journey of figuring out who I really am since I never had a chance to do so for the last 15 years.

I’m starting to meet new people now outside of my normal grind and am experiencing new things about myself already. We have a lot to work through on the logistical front for the divorce and we are going to tell the kids after school gets out so we don’t ruin the rest of the school year for them.

Balancing My Head vs. My Heart

I’m working on some key stuff from counseling right now that is really great. One of my first issues is that as an extrovert, I’ve always just splattered my stuff against a wall for everyone to see and look at, wearing my heart on my sleeve at all times, I feel it and say it out loud, my nerve endings on the outside of my body. My next step with this is to learn how to be more selective with the things I talk about, balancing out my head vs. my heart when I think through stuff, learning how to have things for myself that are mine so that I can break the habit of feeling like everything I have going on mentally/emotionally fun and otherwise, I need to share it with everyone. While I’m not planning on bottling anything up, I just need to learn that my heart, my brain are mine and that I can spend some time in my head figuring things out at a slower pace. For the longest time, out of neediness, my own co-dependency, my own insecurities, I’ve always felt secure only if I’m engaging everyone in my own chaos and shit. It’s time to re-evaluate that and it’s time to stop.

I’m gonna head off to do some photography and bbq with some friends. More to come later.

May 23, 2008: Good Day, Keep It Simple

After work today I was able to go downtown, get a haircut, grab a beer, have a salad, and just walk around for a little bit. I took a walk on the beach to unwind. While there’s still so much to do and work through logistically and work through with the kids, I feel like it’s more manageable now since my head isn’t all fucked up.

I can feel my heart wanting to regress and start spinning on the pain again but I’m getting better about pulling myself out of it whereas before I felt like I was drowning in it. I got home and was able to relax with my sons and then my ex went out.

Yesterday my counselor said that right now, since we’re still in this condo, we aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s more like ‘playing divorce’. I agree with that. That is why it’s still hard sometimes for me because we don’t have our separate lives yet. It’s hard to start building on myself as an individual when we still have this condo because it’s covered in our ‘old lives’. It’s difficult to envision my ‘new life’ right now. This situation doesn’t seem to bother my ex as it does me as she has already moved on emotionally/mentally. She is excited about her future and thinking about nothing else. I think she still is in a la la land a little bit but it is what it is.

There’s still lots to do and hopefully we can move on quickly this summer.

May 22, 2008: Every Day is Now Better Than The Last

I’m moving into a new phase now. I don’t have much to say about today.

I had an individual counseling session and we spent most of time just discussing how we’re gonna tell our kids on Sunday and the things that will come up for me as an individual as I learn about myself.

The pain is now starting to subside, I’m healing for sure, I anticipate other weird feelings but my friendship with the ex is already getting more communicative and peaceful in a more genuine sort of way. I’m trying to just focus on that and the kids.

I’m able to focus at work now MUCH better, I’m staying on track with exercise and good eating and my appetite is finally starting to come back, which is a good sign for me. I’m not feeling so angry and resentful anymore. I’m also starting to line up some activities for myself that I enjoy doing, day trips, photography, playing drums again, and regrouping with some old friends I’ve met throughout my career to get my feet back on the ground and out of the tar pit of grief. How’s that for a run-on sentence?

More tomorrow.

May 21, 2008: Turning The Corner

It was a trippy day today. My feelings were again all over the place. But I have to say that today is my first day towards real acceptance and somewhat of a milestone for me moving forward.

I went to go look at an apartment today that was totally cheap. We currently own our condo but she has no career/money-making power and she needs a place to house the kids most of the time. The apartment was just too small and miserable but is the only think we can afford if we keep the condo. The market sucks so I told her that I’d rather we figure out a way to get rid of it so I can pay her more money a month while she gets work AND so that I can have more money a month to have a decent place of my own and not live under someone’s house. She agreed right away so we’re working that one out.

My First “Dose” of The New Relationship

My feelings have been holding my attachment to my marriage in for a long time. Today I actually had a nice open, non stressful conversation with my ex-wife about this guy at the studio, dating in general for both of us. She clued me in on what she’s going through and even asked me in friendly way if I’ve been dating and suggested that I go out and enjoy it and she planned on doing the same. It was the first time though that I didn’t feel weird and hurt when we talked about it. We actually talked like real friends, all normal and relaxed, etc.

It felt bizarre but I know that’s where I’m supposed to be with it, more and more as every day passes. I was finally able to pull my shit together at work as well. My head has been in a looping state for the last month, filled with anger, confusion, betrayal, sadness, worry, anxiety, all changing within hours at times. I lost like 14 lbs in 2 weeks. I’ve been exercising but still can’t totally eat. Although I’ve noticed my appetite is slowly coming back.

Now if we can just gracefully get rid of this condo so we can truly restart our lives things will be pretty good. Our next big emotional issue is that we have to tell the kids on Sunday what’s happening. Hopefully that’s the last of the big boots to the head. I’m not looking forward to it but my ex and I are on the same page with delivering the information and supporting them.

Off to watch Immortal Beloved….

Peace out.

May 20, 2008: Heart to Heart

Yesterday was definitely a tough. Of course I’m assuming and speculating all over the place about this guy a the studio that she keeps hanging out with.

I went out last night and did a lot of thinking. I had a good talk with my mom about all this stuff my wife is doing, breaking the dating rules that we had set together, etc. My mom said, “you know, if this guy is as level headed as you say he is, why don’t you call him and chat about all this?”

So that’s what I did last night. He came down and said he had meant to talk to me last week but didn’t have a chance. We talked for almost two hours. He said that there’s a history at the studio of women who go to the studio that have tried to latch onto him because he’s a good listener and loves their kids. He didn’t say this is a bragging sort of way but more of a “it’s something I’m not trying to make happen, I’m just a good listener.” He said that teaching martial arts is his life and he could lose his job if he got involved heavily with a student and her family outside of the normal studio time or above a friendship. What I had to tell him is that my wife is investing emotional energy in him and won’t talk to anyone else about what she has going on with him, basically lying out of omission. I mentioned her diary, her past of not talking to me when there are issues, me not being the best listener in the past, etc. He said that when he went through his divorce, coincidentally, his ex-wife did the same. She had a diary and wouldn’t talk to him and no matter what he did, she was latched onto this other guy and just wouldn’t see past it.

This guy also told me that even if my wife was fantasizing about them being a couple, what she doesn’t understand is that even after a few months, reality sets in and then she’ll realize she REALLY blew it. These were his words. His ex did the same thing. She left him for a fantasy guy, and then after a few months was like “oh shit.”

He said his life is teaching and his daughter and that’s it. He hasn’t dated for 4+ years because he said he’s not really engineered to do so and likes his life simple and enjoys where it’s at. On his own accord, he said he had no idea about all these other details of what is going on between my wife and I and that he will back off as far as he can outside of just teaching my family at the studio.

There’s so much more that we talked about and I know that it sounds like he’s telling me what I want to hear but being someone that can size up people pretty quick, I now see very clearly that my wife is building up a fantasy in her head that doesn’t actually exist. Her mind is fucked up right now. Unfortunately she may have to throw her family under bus to figure it all out.

I Think It’s Time To Let Go

This has been my biggest struggle, scraping all the barnacles off of my body from the old life, it hurts to rip them off and expose the old wounds. I’m used to them being there. After regrouping my head, speaking to a close friend, having a long discussion with my in-laws, I think I’m now ready to work on setting boundaries for communicating with my ex so we can get stuff done. It’s time for me to stop toiling over the inevitable, to set rules at work so that I can start focusing on work while I’m at work and not spinning on issues that are essentially null and void moving forward. The decision is made. The train is moving. I just need to stop fighting it. If you fight the moving train, you only get tired and then it runs you over.

I’m think I’m ready now to stabilize. Off to pray, play guitar and learn how to finally start fucking relaxing already.

May 19, 2008: Phases

We’ll it’s the day after our first meeting. I feel better today. Every event like this with regards to the situation or planning, is one more knot that leaves my stomach. I’m starting to be able to clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel even though there’s so much work to do to get all this stuff ironed out. My outlook is slowly morphing and changing. There’s finally a plan in place for both of us that is reasonable financially/logistically.

Today is a new day for me with slightly less anxiety and I’m looking forward to more days like this.

Things Change Every Hour

So what a journey this has been. Not even an hour after I wrote that last blurb above, some new anxiety creating news rolls in. The guy from the martial arts studio baby sat my kids and many of their friends at my house while I was out of town. My wife told this to me and I said cool. This morning I was driving my son to school, asking him how his weekend was. He told me about a birthday party, etc. Then he mentioned that after this guy had babysat them, he stayed when my wife got home and then watched a movie with him. This happened after I thought we had agreed to not allow a male or female presence in front the kids until all this stuff was worked out as far as the living conditions. I call her on it and she say “oh I thought you just meant that our conduct couldn’t show them we were dating.”

This boiled my blood not because I want to be with her or don’t want her to have her own personal life. I’m starting to move past that. It pissed me off more for my boys. They’re gonna find out about the divorce soon and if she is cavorting with him regularly, essentially ‘dating’ him (but denying they’re dating), when we tell them we’re divorcing they’re gonna think that this guy plays a role in this. My wife is just being a little kid right now. She’s not being considerate of me and because she doesn’t understand the nature of divorce and kids, she’s not drawing any lines for herself.

Whenever a divorce happens, there’s always one person that is taking the high road and someone that is spinning out and clueless. Right now I feel like she is the latter which is kind funny because I’ve always normally been the somewhat irrational and emotional one. I’ve texted her and let her know that we apparently are not on the same page with the rules and that we need to meet and sign off on this.

I warned our friends that this would happen. I warned them that my wife in her new fantasy life she’s working on creating for herself, that she will inadvertently forget how her actions are affecting our kids. I foresee some problems moving forward and I just need to remember to stay mellow and collected and stay focused for my boys.

Man this shit is hard.

I feel like she has had an affair of the heart but is being slippery about revealing any information to anyone about what’s really going on. I will say that I don’t want to be married to someone like that anyway but that doesn’t make it right and the state of adamant denial she’s in is so strong right now. I can’t get her to tell me any truths about anything….it’s all lying by omission.

May 18, 2008: Last Day With Mom

Today I fly back to home. I’ve had an amazing trip visiting with my family. It was good to go take a break from all the crap.

The Process Begins

I have a little bit of a pit in my stomach about going back because now all the work begins to plan our new lives. It’s gonna be expensive, emotional for me, and hectic to do while we have to maintain our daily lives. While I’m embracing us moving on from our marriage, I’m still not totally convinced that she is clear headed but maybe because we were together for so long, she’s gonna need this trial by fire to figure out who she is as a person. I’m happy for her growth and look forward to us having a more up front relationship as friends but I’m not convinced yet that she doesn’t have a ‘special someone’ waiting in the wings and that she’s keeping her eye on that prize/fantasy, and protecting it.

At this point though that stuff doesn’t even matter and learning and accepting that is the work I have to do to start detaching myself from the past and growing personally. Unfortunately, with all the stuff we now have to take care of this summer to start our new lives, it’s gonna be at least a couple months before we can truly start the new path and have our own places. I can’t begin the healing process until that happens.

She already *appears* to be happy and moved on but I think that will change a couple months into this, once she starts working (which will be a lot because our area is expensive), if she ends up dating this guy from the martial arts studio right away (I have feeling she will), it’ll be very clear to me where her head is at. Frankly, I want no part of that. If she starts dating him right away, I don’t want to know about it, what she’s doing, when, why, etc. It’ll distract me from working on myself and won’t be healthy. I’m not in a space yet where I’m ready to hear about her new relationships and feel ok about it.

I started a divorce checklist and sent it to her and stated that I really want things to be mellow and smooth for the kids. The interesting thing is that her response is very direct, wordy, and responsive. She’s extremely motivated to make this divorce happen and with the most amazing attitude. I’m happy about that for the sake of the situation, but as someone who does care about her as a friend, I question the fact I haven’t seen any grieving or sadness or real emotion from her about this whole thing. She’s a very emotional person and this is just one of a few red flags there that stick out to me for her sake. That’s the only reason I think she has her eye on a prize right now and *nothing* is gonna get in her way. If I find later I’m full of shit with what I just said, I’m cool with that. It just feels like something is on the rebound.

Even after 15 years of our marriage and going through all this, I have no desire to date right now. I have no one or want to have anyone in the wings. I need to just work on me for now. I hope she’s truly focusing on the same.

Heading Home Shortly

I’ll be hopping on a plane shortly to head back and start facing all this. I had a sit down with my uncles, cousins and grandparents explaining the situation as well. Of course they’re all very understanding and sad but have my back 200%.

Tonight we have our first meeting to discuss the plan/details moving forward. I have anxiety about it but also look forward to it so that I can start working on a game plan. I’m just scared of what emotions it will bring up. I really want to stay calm through this as much as possible. My wife is still overly bubbly and jovial about this stuff and it’s burning me a little. I think I need to tell her that this is, as I mentioned before, not a happy time for me, I’m ready to do business with her on this divorce but I’m not ready to be good friends yet. I haven’t had time to heal from this.

My mom said that when she went through her divorce, it took them a few months to be able to be friends. I think for me it will take at least that.

End Of The Day

Well it’s been interesting since I got back. I stopped by a friends house for her birthday and hung out to unwind. It was nice.

The wife and I had our first meeting today and it went fairly well. I had to break the news to her that I’m not in the phase where I’m capable of being her friend right now. I told her I intend to be good friends with her at some point, but it’s too early for that. I’m still in the healing/recovery phase of this so I’m not liking her very much right now. That’s just how it is. It kinda caught her off guard.

Anyway….I’m happy with the breakdown. She appears to want to be as reasonable as me with little negativity.

Now off to bed…

May 17, 2008: One Day At A Time

I’m now on my second day of my new direction as a person. I had a really great night visiting with old friends. It was nice to shelve this for a few hours. Today is a new day. I attended a CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting with my mom just to observe and get some exposure into some of other people’s struggles.

While I’m not a big support group junkie, a lot of the stories and people’s struggles touched a LOT of the things I’m going through and things that existed unhealthily in our marriage for so long. I’m glad I went. It was definitely refreshing to see other people going through very similar life struggles and it brought levity to the situation….I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS.

Family

Nothing replaces family. A couple of my cousins are coming over shortly that I’m really close to. I had let them know what’s going on with me adn this situation and they dropped everything to come over and see me and hear me and support me through it. It’s nice to have extended family that have been through their own shit and are there for you no matter what you go through. I feel truly blessed and can’t wait to see them. My grandparents will probably stop by tomorrow as well to discuss it. I’m curious to get their perspective as they both have been through a lot, remarried, had a bunch of kids, etc. I have a lot of faith and respect in my elders. They know our family, they created our family, and have so much profound information to offer the situation.

New Relationship

I’m now working on my new relationship with the wife…one that is about the kids and individual happiness. Our communication is now clear, on the same page with priorities, etc. and very amicable. We have our first “business meeting” to discuss the plans moving forward, the logistics, the finances, etc.

One day at a time……whew…..

May 16, 2008: The First Day Of My New Path

Last night when I was sleeping, I was just running rampantly through memories of the last 15 years, the good the bad, the ugly. So I felt a little shellshocked when I first awoke. I chatted with my mom about some more stuff. I am processing a lot right now, unwinding and undoing, etc. This is a phase I think I’ll be in for awhile. I was told this by quite a few people.

I then went for a run in my old neighborhood where I spent most of the childhood where my issues from my parents began their establishment, patterns, and disfunction in my little mind at the time.

I’m about to head out to try and reconnect with a childhood friend and then off to our counseling session.

More to come….

Mother/Son Counseling Session

We had our joint counseling session today. It was pretty intense. We both addressed our female abandonment/mom issues together. It was pretty intense seeing my mom verbalize her own childhood and then me having to verbalize mine, in front of each other, both of us in tears. I gave the counselor the run down on this situation and where I was at. Even though my path is what it is she said that she sees huge progress here with us two as individuals and says we’re both on the right track. That was nice to hear.

Old Friends

I had a childhood friend that I grew up with and haven’t seen for fifteen years. I managed to find her here locally and am gonna go have a couple drinks with her. She’s happily married with a son so there’s no weirdness here or me rebounding at all. Just catching up. It’ll be nice to get a few hours in of NOT being inside my head.

Tonight I may also visit another friend of mine who just had his second child. He’s a friend of mine from elementary school that I’ve been in touch with off and on for the last few years. I just need to do “other” stuff right now.

May 15, 2008: The Old Chapter Is Closed

We had our counseling session yesterday and got some closure. There is lots of relief and things are mellow. I’ve committed to not make some official statement on here for the time being.

This blog moving forward will just be about my continued development as a person.

Back To My Roots

Today I flew down to visit my mom and extended family. The timing is great for this. It was interesting flying out of my home area. I felt like I was flying into oblivion mentally and emotionally. Exiting from a bunch of crap that at some point started doing me more harm than good. It’s time to figure out who I am as a whole person.

My mom has been a voice of reason for me as I’ve gone through this stuff. Being that she’s made lots of her own mistakes when it comes to marriage and kids. It was a trip when I landed in town. I started to walk towards he baggage claim to meet up with my mom and I suddenly became overcome with emotion. As cheesy as it sounds, I got this rush of “coming home finally.” After all I had been through in the last month and last few years, it is so nice to visit those that support me as a person and have been supportive through this whole process. Nothing replaces family and I’m so appreciative.

We have a scheduled session with my mom’s counselor tomorrow so she and I can address some stuff related to our mother/son relationship and also to get some guidance on my situation. I look forward to and dread it at the same time. More emotions today to be drained from my system like a pus pocket….gross but that’s what it equates to.

We’re also going to check out a CODA meeting (co-dependents anonymous) so I can see what others have gone through that have been either co-dependent themselves or their lives have been drastically affected by someone who was or is.

Sunday, we’re gonna hit church for an hour for some more prayer and clarity.

May 14, 2008: The Morning Sucks

Every time I need to go pick up the my 11 year old from the house and say hi to my other boys and hug them. My wife is super chipper and overly friendly right now. Part of me wants to tell her that now is not the time for ‘buddies’. I want to tell that while she’s all happy and moved on into fantasy land, I’m hurt and feel betrayed and feel like she’s almost rubbing it in. I’m a tough dude and can roll with a lot of punches but I feel like she’s being really insensitive right now. I want to tell her to her face “YA KNOW THIS IS NOT A HAPPY TIME RIGHT NOW. OUR FAMILY MIGHT SOON BE SPLIT APART BECAUSE OF A DECISION YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE! HELLO? ANYONE THERE?” Right now she’s acting like she’s 12 years old running around candyland with a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.

So every time I leave from the house after getting my son, I’m all pissed off. Last night she even went as far as putting some food in a container for me to take back to the cabin with a nice little “have a good night! here’s some dinner” note. It’s like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”. I can’t tell if I’m wrong to be mad or offended by this. It’s really hard to swallow right now. Until counseling tomorrow though, I just need to buck up. She’s lucky I can hold my tongue and not flip out on her and actually say all this shit to her face as much as I’d like to.

More later….

I Feel It Coming

I know that tomorrow when I ask her where her heart is, and to tell me the absolute truth, and to tell me what is really going on. She’s gonna have to deliver the news. I’m bracing for it and I think that because I know it’s coming I’m so full of anxiety today I can’t think straight.

I feel like such a huge rug has been pulled so quickly out from under me. I feel helpless and ready to cry at work. I feel totally blindsided by this. A month ago we were doing what we do. Now my whole life is turning upside down. I’m so sad right now.

What’s Next…

I’m about to go out of town. If she drops the big “D”, it’s not until tomorrow so I need to enjoy my evening with the kids. One thing my mom said is that I may have to be ‘the one’ to initiate what needs to happen. She said when she was doing what my wife is doing now while married to my dad, even though she was the one who ‘left’, she couldn’t bring herself to be the one filing for divorce. My dad had to do it for her. She said today that my wife may not have the tools right now to handle everything or know how to put closure to this or confront it head on, which makes sense if I look at what her whole issue is in the first place – confronting issues and dealing head on with what is bothering her. I’m not sure how I feel about all that. Part of me has too much pride…like “you’re making your bed, you lay in it!” She’s dragged me through this enough already why to I need to the also the project manager for our divorce?

Throughout our marriage she’d have some recurring issue with her mom or her own close friends and I’d say, “sounds like this is really bothering you, go talk to them and work it out so you can move on.” Her response was almost always, “yeah it’s no biggie.”

Now here we are. What a waste and a bunch of bullshit. I can’t get over (at least right now) how unnecessary and stupid this all is. Maybe it is necessary and God is working in me and laying ground for my next chapter. I’ll have to really trust Him on this one.

I’m about to go pick up my 3 sons from the martial arts studio. It’s a very intense experience from me because she’s there, that guy is there, and my sons are there and I don’t feel like interacting with anyone except my kids. I hate it and get a ton of anxiety from it.

Uggh…

I think I just need to focus on the high road and being calm through this. Tomorrow I HOPE she will come clean with me. That is becoming more important to me that the actual fact of her divorcing me at this point.

WHEW

To cap off today’s post, I had to go pick up my boys and when I saw her and she was acting all chippy, I just couldn’t take it. I asked her nicely to think about tomorrow’s counseling session because I can’t live in limbo anymore. My life path was sitting there in her hands while she roamed around being happy being friends with me. She got all uncomfortable and I told her that she didn’t have to answer me right then but she would have to give me something tomorrow in counseling. I mentioned to her that her friends, the ones that love us both and want us both to be happy, have told me that she is not showing any more interest in this marriage than she was a month ago, in fact, it’s less. I called her on that and said honestly, even after June, do you truly feel like you want to be married to me? She just couldn’t say anything. It drives me nuts.

So I told her, no prob, we’ll discuss in counseling tomorrow. Apparently she skipped out on her class at the studio and went into the restroom crying. She came back out and asked her best friend if she really told me that she thought it was over. Her friend said yes and then laid into her about how she just needs to tell me how she feels and what she wants. My wife said she’s so afraid of hurting me and her friend said that’s life, he’ll be ok. My wife’s best friend was in a similar boat as me where her husband said he wanted out but wasn’t sure for a couple months. It tore her up and my wife supported her during that time. She referenced that to remind my wife of what I’m feeling and how it’s doing more damage than good.

Hopefully tomorrow in counseling, she comes clean so we can move on. I’m already feeling relaxed knowing that there’s a good chance she’ll move on and let me know. It’s her opportunity to FINALLY tell me what she wants and feels at a time when it’s most important.

I plan on being super calm and receptive.

May 13, 2008: Fog

I feel like I don’t know where I’m going right now at all. I don’t like holding patterns. They are against the grain of who I am. Which I think is good that I’m going through this. My issue is that I really want to know which basket to put my eggs in.

I feel like I’m totally painted in a corner. One of my wife’s main complaints about me is that I was moving too fast and not paying enough attention to my family and that I was moody. I genuinely agree with that. I’ve started the process of changing those thing in myself, for myself. The issue though is that this holding pattern I’m in is really frustrating and it makes me angry when I get around her. She’s all bubbly and wants to be “friends” right now but I’m not feeling it cause that’s not where my head is at. But I wonder if I’m hurt inside and struggling to have a better attitude around her and appear moody, does it contribute to the thought in her head that “see he’ll never change” thing going on in her head or…? Will that affect her desire to be with me?

I feel like I have no where to go. I need to be happy and show change but no one is talking to me about where I’m supposed to go. FUCK.

Finally Some Insight

So I talked to her best friend later today, who cares deeply for both of us. Apparently, while she said she wants another month to ‘decide’, she’s been looking for jobs/apartments, etc. She didn’t tell me this so I have to assume that taking a month longer in June is fruitless for the sake of our marriage and is more for the sake of her own personal break and time to do stuff so that she can break it off.

Of course this pisses me off because I can deal with the divorce decision but she shouldn’t string me along while she already knows what she’s gonna do. It’s lame and while it is not surprising she’s handling herself this way, it’s a little infuriating at this point in the game. It’s like there’s no more time to hold out, sweep stuff under the rug, pretend she is feeling this or that. When does it end? Just fucking tell me you’re done. I can deal with that.

At least I know now (most likely, we’ll find out Thursday in counseling) where and what I need to do. It’s gonna be interesting because we have 15 years of a marriage to pack up, sell, move out from, etc. I can guarantee you that while I’ll be cordial, will never show the kids, this is now business and I’m gonna need time to be able to get to the point where I’m able to be friends with her and look back on all this and laugh about it.

I guess I will switch the “Fog” portion of this post to more point towards where she’s at. As of a few minutes ago, I’m out of the fog and am going to start picking up the pieces.

A Little Break

It’s after work and I’m about to go pick up my two older sons to catch a movie. It’ll be a nice break from all this and some quality time with them. Their company is a remedy for stress. This gets back to what I’ve spoken of in other posts, spend time with them during this and try to carve out some slivers of good stuff to help me get through the shitty stuff. I’m sure I’ll post more later when I get home.

Back For The Evening

I had a great time with the boys. I invited some of their friends too so it was just me and all them. Everyone was great and kids are so refreshing to be with through all this. They’re pure and random in their humor and perspective. I love it. I got to hang out with some friends as well and chat about the situation. They offer lots of prayer coming from them and good vibes. I’m very blessed with the support I have right now and believe God has really put all these people in my life, working through them to keep me up the right track, honest, staying the course with what’s important.

It was funny…I got a text message from the wife thanking me for taking the boys to a movie and ‘have a restful night’….all these crazy things that she never said to be before when we were together. Part of is like “cool whatever”, another part of me is like “Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think things are that peachy and great right now that I would converse with you like this?”. She was never this friendly with me and being the one in my position, it’s hard to know what all of it means.

While I will still reserve a place in my heart for her if she changes her mind, I’m going to start mapping out and planning what would have to take place if we divorced, the logistical, etc. I’m not doing that out of resentment but more out of logic and common sense if it happens. I have to plan ahead for myself and the kids to make sure it’s as smooth as possible. I don’t want that path, but I may have to take it.

Off to read and pray…

May 12, 2008: Moving On

I’m starting to feel like regardless of what she’s gonna do, I need to move on. As mentioned in the previous post, she’s showing now signs and I’m starting to wonder if I really want to be with her for the right reasons. Am I truly wanting to be with her for her? If I strip away the kids, the house, the history and I just take a look at her for who she is, good and bad, is that who I’d pick out in a crowd to be married to? Her personality, her physical appearance? I really need to evaluate that and honestly, while it’s painful every time I have to go back to our house, it’s starting to feel like it’s just the pain of the past and not the future. When I ask myself those questions above, I’m not able to answer them quickly which is kind of a red flag I guess.

I’ve kind of already started the grieving process anyway. I’ve started analyzing us as people and when I’ve been away from her so far after that awesome Sunday I had, I have clarity and feel better. When I hang out with her or see her, I start feeling all fucked up inside, almost in a childish sort of way….still trying to figure out how to interpret that. At this point I’m not sure I can be more than friends with her.

We’re gonna allow June to go by as well as more of a break but as I’ve said, she may still be where she’s at, and more interestingly I may grow out of this marriage myself. We’ll see. It’s weird right now. I’m not a jerk to her but I don’t really feel like being anything other than business right now while I start the divorce in my head.

Lots Of Walks

I just could not concentrate today. I ended up taking an hour walk during lunch. Then after work, which I left early, I took a couple other walks near the ocean. I had to leave work early because I just can’t concentrate on anything. This whole thing is so distracting in my daily life that I don’t feel like I’m really “here.”

I ended up just feeling angry most of the day and had to get away. I had shitty shoes on for walking but I was so pre-occupied that I didn’t even notice how much my legs, back and feet were hurting.

All this stuff is just swirling around my head so much and so fast and so intense it makes every day hard to get through. This “one day at a time” thing is really hard for me. I couldn’t even look at her in the face cause I’m so angry that she’s floating around all happy and “free” and I’m here toiling and guessing and hoping and crying and praying and trying to divorce her already in my mind. I’m resentful of this emotional cluster fuck I’m in.

It’s only 10pm and I’m heading to bed. I’m usually up until midnight every night but I just can’t tonight. I’m in full shutdown mode.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day.

May 11, 2008: Mother’s Day

Today will be interesting. I’m excited for the boys to have some quality time with her and I. I’m getting to the point where I’m feeling, as mentioned last night, that I’m so exhausted from worrying about the unknown, wondering if it’s gonna work or not, wondering if she’s gonna end up in a place where she wants to make it work, etc….I’m kinda getting to the point where while I know I need to focus on God, I may need to shutdown and just go “business-like” with everything. It’s too tough to try and be happy and warm and fuzzy with her while she’s the way she is without feeling hurt, pissed off, or disillusioned. This “patience” thing is kicking my ass.

I’l be hitting the shower in a bit, getting dressed and heading over to the house. I’ll have to work extra hard this morning to be happy for the kids but honestly I don’t even want to talk to my wife right now. I have anxiety about today and how I’m gonna manage all of my opposing emotions. The kids deserve a nice family day where everyone is happy, especially on Mother’s Day, it’s just gonna be rough.

I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of stuff to splatter on this post later.

Mother’s Day: The Good Stuff

So as far as the holiday goes, it was a great day for mom. She loved her gifts from them and was in tears and very touched by the 3 images I put together for her. Which is great and I meant it in that regard. She is an amazing mother and I couldn’t ask for a better one for our kids. After gifts, we went to lunch and hung out at the ocean, took the kids to the park, etc. Everyone had a great day in that regard.

The Stuff That Was Hard

Man…I can’t put into words how many thoughts/emotions I had to monitor, compartmentalize, and control to simply survive today. I had anger, sadness, longing, peace, grieving, all swirling around in my stomach while trying to simultaneously work to make sure the day was great for her as a mother. I had so many conflicting emotions and feelings that I had to keep in check that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the time with the boys like I should’ve. I felt like all the things I’m trying to change about myself were being a little hindered today by the anxiety induced stomach pain I was feeling.

I kept wanting to hug her or hold her hand while our kids played together, etc. I’m an affectionate guy and it just sucked. She’s completely in the mindset of being “great friends and moving on” and I’m just not in that mindset. I’m still wanting a new marriage her, wanting it to work out. I’m NOT attached to the old. I do not want my old marriage, but I do need to know if she’s gonna try and stay married and work it out.

A Quick Cordial Update

This morning I told her that I thought we should add another month to this break because changes like these can’t happen in 30 days after 15 years of marriage. It’s impossible. She agreed of course. I also said it’s silly to have the “date night” she said we should have on Sundays if she’s not into dating me. I mean, why just go out for coffee with her if I can do that with one of my friends and get the same thing out of it.

I did tell her however that at some point in the next month or so, regardless if we take an even longer break or not, that she will need to let me know what we’re doing moving forward. I can’t sit around, not eating, wondering, ready to work on a marriage, and prepare for the repercussions of a divorce simultaneously. I gotta move on so I can live my life and be happy. She understood and said that this had been addressed at her counseling session alone last week. Our counselor said that I will eventually have to have a reasonable time limit on this thing and that it’s not fair for her to string this along forever. My wife is aware of that and accepting and completely understands.

Honestly, I won’t be married to that anyway and refused to do so in some delusion that it’s gonna be better for my kids if we’re together and miserable. I’d rather show my kids that when you’re married, you’re supposed to be at peace at the core and then work on the normal ups and downs. My wife and I both deserve to be happy as people and my kids deserve to have happy parents, whatever that means.

It did come up that I had seen a couple pages in her diary. While I told her something like that would never happen again, I did say that I was surprised and my perspective completely changed after reading a couple pages in there and that IF she did want to work it out, we’d would have to discuss some new rules for communication with regards to disclosure on her end, and a less emotional more reasonable reaction on my end….anyway…there’s a chance I may not have to have those rules with her anyway if we aren’t together.

If we are not together after all this, I assure you, I will be a nazi about being told by my next wife when something is really pissing her off. I can’t change my behavior if I don’t know what’s WRONG!

Conversation With My Mother

I made a call to my mom for today and we had a great conversation that kinda lifted my spirits and opened my eyes a little more. My mom also married at a young age and went through the same issues and “awakening” that my wife is doing right now. The upside is that she sees exactly what my wife is going through right now with discovering this huge world out there and wanting to have it, she remembers all of a sudden while being married to my dad, how that just fell on her head like a ton of bricks and it was unstoppable and blinding.

I think that is a good thing for anyone honestly. Who shouldn’t have the opportunity to know, love and receive that from and about life?

The other side though is that my mom said that based on what she knows as far as how disconnected from being married to me STILL, my wife is, that even after June, there’s a good chance that my wife may still not be able to figure herself out and that I may have to initiate a divorce. My mom said that what my wife is going through right now after being with me since she was 16, is so heavy, so gnarly, it can take a few years sometimes to really grow up and know who you are, and that’s common in cases like this.

Unfortunately for our current marital situation, I’m not gonna wait that long to be with someone that loves me for the right reasons so I can be happy. Fuck that. I’d be undoing everything I was to work on to be a better father if I took that path. If my sons were in my situation, I’d recommend the same.

While that sounds like it could be considered “bad”, I actually felt like I was a little more enlightened to my wife’s self-discovery and just the sheer reality of the situation. Once I remove my relationship with her out of this equation, I’m very happy for her to find all this stuff, it just so happens that it has to happen at the expense of our relationship, but ya know, worse shit has happen to people.

Counseling This Week

It will be an interesting one this week. It’s for both of us at the same time as a couple and I plan on bringing up the time limit issue with our counselor and the Mother’s Day feelings, etc. and how at some point my wife will have to shit or get off the pot. The happiness of too many others is at stake here to keep things in limbo like this. If she chooses divorce however, I’ll most likely put it on her to file, and that she needs to let the kids know that this is her choice. I may have to tell them in front of her that I didn’t want this because they will ask. She needs to own this if this is her decision, regardless of how right or wrong it is.

If it comes to that, we will then move forward with our plans and get it ironed out. The positive is that I know we’ll still both end up happy and our kids do have really great parents.

I’m not ruling out any kind of reality right now as I don’t know what God is planning for our lives but I will work to focus on the present day knowing that God continues to be in control of the future.

May 10, 2008: A New Day, A New Realization

Last night I talked for awhile on the phone with a good friend of mine whose wife is good friends with my wife. We share the same spiritual mindset and they’ve been through many similar struggles in their marriage. He’s the opposite of me personality-wise so I really like to bounce things off of him.

After talking with him I realized that one of my main issues to work on in this as an individual: PATIENCE. I wasn’t raised to be patient, I wasn’t genetically born with it. There are a lot of strikes against me here. The good news is that I believe that this shakedown I’m going through will help give me better tools to be more patient, less self-absorbed, and appreciate the fact that lots of important things in life take time to happen if they’re to be done right. If you’re talking about healing, paradigm shifts in your personal life, career, relations with your children…..if you want the best result with those things, time is the main necessary ingredient, and time can only do it’s job if we are patient.

I know now that my focus needs to be on prayer, and NOT engaging my wife in heavy conversations or me trying to “fix it.” When I do that, I believe I create noise that distracts her from letting God do his work in her. Also by trying to “fix it,” I’m not walking the walk, handing it over to Him, and trusting Him to roll out the right plan.

Today, after she arrives so I can leave, my focus will not be on changing her mind, changing her heart, changing her spirit, etc. That’s not my job, my burden, my place in the world. Instead I will be focusing on finishing up her mother’s day gift, relaxing, and visiting some friends tonight for prayer and to catch up with them on their lives and their new baby that is due any day now.

Exhausted

I picked up the Mother’s Day present to day and it turned out awesome. I know she’ll dig it as their mom so that’s cool. I then went to have some lunch and talked to my mom for about an hour. It was pretty heavy with lots of focus on recovering after divorce even though we aren’t there yet.

I then went to another friends house and hashed it out some more with them. I was kind of working through some of my anger with them and felt better, worse, and more exhausted at the same time.

Last, I had dinner with some close friends of ours and talked to them about what’s going on. My wife had called to talked to the wife of our two friends while I was there. Afterwards, the feedback I got was that she just sounded exhausted like me. She said that based on what my wife said, it’s not appropriate to put a time limit on any of this right now. Apparently my wife is addressing her heavy issues in counseling which I’m stoked to hear. The thought of what we’ll have to do if she needs a lot more time is a little daunting as I can’t afford to rent another place alongside our mortgage. We may have to come up with some new arrangements if it’s not time to stay at the same house yet. I’m willing to wait this out for a bit to see where it heads.

To our friend’s point, my wife is a very slow cooker when it comes to issues so maybe this is the trial of my life when it comes to patience.

I know God has something in the works, I’m starting to feel like I’m in outer space. I almost am not thinking about if it’s gonna work or not and more just about getting up in the morning, and then going to bed.

Heading to bed to read and pray.

I’m just so tired so right now from head to toe.

May 09, 2008: Every Day Is Different

Change Is The Only Constant

Today hasn’t started out particularly great. There hasn’t been any drama per se but I’m feeling angry about this whole thing right now. I’m feeling like I’m trying to give her space, while keeping the boys comfortable, while working on my own stuff, while trying to have hope, while trying to stay the course with God, while maintaining my calm and cordial relations with her, while making sure kids are set up to have a good Mother’s Day to honor her.

Today I feel like “give me a fucking break”. Throw me a bone already, is she gonna try and work it out or not? I’m balancing the “don’t lose hope” with “sell the house, get apartments, file for divorce, and move on.” I’ve lost like 8 lbs in 8 days. Yeah I started exercising but mostly because I can’t bring myself to eat much. I just feel fucked inside waiting for the great mystery of her mind to unravel itself. Part of me wants to give her a time limit but me rushing things was always an issue in our marriage in the first place.

She has her first individual counseling session today. I prayed for her last night that God would unclutter her spirit, mind and heart, and shake them out a little bit. I feel like the old house inside of her needs God’s bulldozer to come in and level it. When she came by this morning so I could take one of our sons to school, she was late and looked pretty wrecked like she hadn’t slept very well and was cracking a little bit. I think this counseling session is here just in time (for her sake).

I’m getting to the point where I’m willing to think about moving on without her but I just don’t want to be hasty if the work God is going to do with her yields her wanting to stick with this and try and work it out. I have a history of trying to control when people do stuff because my childhood was unstable and that’s how people with my background deal with stuff like this. I’m trying to change all that and not put intense schedules and heavy pressure on anyone going through life issues like this.

Anger

I feel right now like I’m kinda bursting at the seams and it’s pissing me off. My counselor reminded me that it’s ok to be angry about this and to expect it. I just don’t want to say or do something stupid, or step away from the new line I’ve drawn for my life that I want to follow.

When I was a kid, I remember trying to be the one who would keep the peace during the turmoil around me. The problem is that while doing that, I’d shove down my own anger and have massive resentments later. Then at just the right (or wrong) time, I’d blow up in many different forms, lashing out at people I cared about, beating up my little brother for no reason, etc. It was really messed up. I had to work really hard to forgive myself for a lot of that. Now, as an adult in this current situation I’m in, it’s definitely a test for me to let myself be angry right away when it comes up and not deny it. I think once I can start to re-program myself, I’ll be able to more easily manage it I think by dealing with it on the fly and addressing my issues quickly with less build up.

Shutdown

So I’ve been in the angry mode most of the day. All of a sudden at work during the afternoon, I just went into a daze. I wanted to just go to bed so bad. It became really hard to concentrate at work to the point where I didn’t even know what to think about next, literally. I look around me and I just see computers, paperwork pinned to my cubicle walls, etc. Co-workers would swing by my office and talk to me but I felt like Charlie Brown did when his teacher talked to him, that plus the same feeling I’d get from taking Nyquil, but I’ve just been drinking water all day. I didn’t even stay up late last night and slept through the night. I think I’m just overloaded. All systems to the max.

I went out to my car just now and ear buds in just for silence and laid my seat back. I straight cat napped in my car for an hour, sorta thinking about my situation but that even went away and I just felt really relaxed and calm, like my heart and stomach just needed a rest. This kind of ongoing, ever present knot in my stomach and stress I think kinda took a toll on me today. It was a really weird feeling. I just shutdown. I can’t wait to go to bed tonight.

At Home For The Evening

By the time I got home tonight after work, I was spent. I picked her up a capuccino cause I know she was a wreck this morning. Earlier today I was against doing anything nice for her cause I was angry. After kind of shutting down I felt like well just be cool and roll with whatever. Be positive and mellow, the opposite of what I’ve been for years.

Spent some good one on one time with the son that is probably the most emotional about all this. It was much needed for him and I and long overdue.

Off to pray and sleep.

May 08, 2008: Week 2 Begins

Last night prayed hard for awhile, definitely an emotional session, lots of tears. I admit I’m a little angry that my boys are starting to feel the heat because my wife is spinning out. I always wanted to raise children that had no idea what divorce was like. The unfortunate thing here is that my wife doesn’t truly know what divorce is like for kids. The good news is that our kids are way happier and stable than I was when my parents left each other. There will still be pain though and that longing they’ll always have for us to be together but we’ll need to move forward if it goes that “other” route.

Individual Counseling Session This Morning

I had my first individual session with our counselor this morning. It went really well. She’s read my blog and knows where I’m at. I went over with her the pain and struggling as well as my long term victory with God on Sunday. I’m starting to move on from our ‘old marriage’ and am getting to a place where I’m focusing on the kids and God only. I have no desperation to stay with my wife as she is today or was in the past. I asked my counselor if I’m on the right track and handling it how I should and she said yes and that it sounds like I’m finally ‘owning’ myself, my own actions, my emotions, and getting a wrangling on that I need to do on myself to move forward and be happy. I’m feeling a little less pain today, which is nice for a change for the first time in like 3 weeks.

This whole thing is interesting too because based on what I’ve heard, none of her friends are supporting what she is doing. I feel vindicated in my feelings but most importantly I feel bad that someone I care about will possibly miss out on what she really wants in life because she’s distracted by some fantasy bullshit.

Initial Plans Tonight

My oldest has his open house tonight at school. He’s my first one in Junior High and I’m super stoked to go and check out what he’s been working on. It’ll be a little odd since I’ll be taking the kids myself and meeting the wife there. My goal is to keep things smooth.

Afterwards I hope to get my youngest to choose his baby picture so that I can take all their photographs tomorrow and finish the mother’s day project by Sunday. I think she will dig it. It’s still a struggle to do this Mother’s Day stuff cause I am a little angry with her shit right now but Mother’s Day is about the kids and their relationship with her so I’m gonna take the high road on this one.

How Quickly We Can Lose Our Footing

Whew. It was a little rough when I came home. My wife was there and things started out okay but she wanted to talk to me about this blog I’ve been posting on. She’s upset about it because she feels like I’m airing out all of our laundry. I started feeling defensive like “how dare she get on my shit when this is her doing all this” but I quickly calmed down and tried to talk quieter and explain to her that this is tough on me and the boys. When I was starting to get pissed I felt old tendencies trying to come back. I yelled a little bit and said something I didn’t mean about the martial arts studio guy. I realized how easily we can fall back, especially during this emotional time. I apologized to her for raising my voice and told her that that is NOT who I want to be and that God is changing that in me. I txt msg’d her later and apologized for my ridiculous comment and told her that I didn’t mean it. I’m just buckling under this a little bit. She said thanks for apologizing, she understands and is buckling too.

As far as the blog goes, she knows that all of our friends can see it and so can the rest of the world but I’ve listed no names. The difference between her and I is that when I feel something, I reach out and want others to see it so that I can make sure that I’m not making bad decisions, that I’m staying on track, etc. Her opinion is that this stuff is very private and should be kept as such. The issue is that I need feedback from those that care about me, those that I can trust to question me because they care about me and my well being. This is my way of letting all my friends know is going on so that I don’t have to repeat myself 8,000 times.

I process and work through issues by expelling them outward and getting feedback. She works on her issues internally. Either way is ok but she’s having a hard time with what I’m doing. She claimed I’m turning everyone against her on it but she hasn’t read it yet. Her friends are lecturing her and trying to remind her about what’s important and she’s feeling the pressure I think. Anyway, I understand why it bothers her due to the difference in who we are but I assured her that this blog does not exist to hurt her. It exists to document my healing, my changes as a man of God, and reiterates over and over my desire to make it work with her.

Open House

So we did the open house thing. Everything was very mellow and cordial but she shows no sign of anything right now really. It breaks my heart because we’re walking around the junior high, all these other parents whose kids our kids grew up with, arm in arm, at least appearing happy, and I can’t touch my wife. I’m a very affectionate dude and here we are married but can’t touch..no holding hands, hugs, kissing, arms around each other. It kills me. It’s VERY hard to hang out and feel like your spouse is pretty much uninterested and cold. I feel like I’m in the trial of my life right now. I know God is my co-pilot but my stomach wants to land eventually!

Off to read and pray.

May 07, 2008: Back To The House

Today I head back to the house for a few nights. This pain in my stomach is getting old I’ll admit, sitting around waiting for my family to fall apart. It’s hard to feel this over several days while simultaneously trying to stay happy and positive around her and the kids. It feels like every other hour I’m up and then down and then sideways, etc. I feel like I’m being run through the ringer a little bit.

Last night I had almost a real size meal instead of half a small salad and some bread. I’ve always been the kind of guy to really enjoy a feast and I just can’t eat much right now. I need to muster some emotional strength today. Mother’s Day is this weekend and it’s gonna take the ultimate effort for me to do the right thing with the kids for her, knowing that she could leave us at any moment. My soul is cleansed but my heart and stomach hurt.

More later.

Mother’s Day

Today I figured out what to do for Mother’s Day. I asked my wife what she wanted to do and she said surprise her. I decided to go through baby pictures with the kids, have them choose the one of themselves that they like most and I’m going to take photos of them holding those photos next to their face. If we can find ones of my wife holding them as newborns I thought that would be cool. I’m then going to frame them and give them to her at one of her favorite restaurants where we’ll be eating lunch on Sunday with the boys.

I think she’ll really like the gift and the time with the boys. She seems to be lightening up a little bit and being more friendly to me but I have no idea if she’s leaving the marriage or not. I know her mom is vehemently against her leaving and spent most of the day with her but I haven’t heard anything yet.

I just need to focus on Mother’s Day and the boys and stay strong and positive even though my gut hurts. More prayer and reading tonight for sure.

Tomorrow morning I have my individual counseling in the morning. I know my counselor has read this blog. I’m interested to see what she has to say about it all. I’m so torn right now. I want so bad to try and make this work and am simultaneously bracing for an incredible amount of pain that may be inflicted on the children and I.

Uggh..

Eventful Evening

There was lots of good and difficult stuff this evening. The good stuff was I got to go through baby pictures with the boys for the Mother’s Day gift. We had a really great time going through that stuff and talking about memories and friends, etc.

One of the best parts of the evening was that I sat them down and asked them what I could do to be a better father, what kinds of things do they think I could change that would make them happier. I got some great feedback like:

• Don’t work so much on the weekend
• Leave your blackberry/phone at home more
• Try more adventurous stuff/trips
• Don’t be so tense after work
• Listen to what they have to say more

I took it all in. I explained to them our history together, and why I got stuck working so much to struggle to survive while they were young and how it was hard to stop since that’s all I’ve known.

Where things were kinda shitty tonight were that both my older boys are starting to show signs of their hearts tearing. We told them we didn’t know if we were divorcing or not but the not knowing for a week now is starting to get them reeling. It breaks my heart to see that, especially ’cause I have no control over it. I had to tell my wife that she needs to start communicating and circling back with them because “don’t worry lots of people including us love you very much” isn’t cutting it. They want to know if their parents are divorcing or not. Period. It’s hard to know how to handle it with them because I don’t have an answer. I can’t be that representation of strength and security in this situation and tell them a truth that I don’t have yet.

Off to pray.

May 06, 2008: Peace And Clarity

Last night when I went to bed, I prayed an read a little bit. I had no allergy medicine or alcohol and I was at the cabin in a bed that wasn’t mine. I slept more peacefully than I have in years, seriously.

Today I still have the same weird feeling in my gut that my heart and the hearts of my children will be broken by my wife, but now it’s not intertwined with female abandonment stuff. I’ve NEVER felt like this as long as I can remember. My heart aches only because I love Annie and my sons and want it to work out. Nothing else. I just hope she makes the right decision.

I’m making a conscious effort to not call or txt message her so she can have space and so I can concentrate on my own sprituality and my sons. It feels so weird when God comes in and kicks your childhood baggage to the curb. I feel really free today, in light of the possible looming circumstances of losing my family unit. The feelings that I now do have about this situation are clear and logical, as opposed to cluttered and mixed in with old wounds related to my mom and forgiving myself.

I went and bought a new bible today with a co-worker and am ready to start leaning on it for some reference in my life. I’m not one of those self-righteous weirdos who creeps everyone out with his beliefs, judging everyone that walks by. All of this is between me and Him. Period. I just feel loved from the inside now. I feel so different. I’ve been a man of God for a long time but I just have been so distracted and was stubborn about stuff, spiraling myself down depression, self medication, etc. I’ve finally let the old shit go. Old meaning stuff that has plagued me since I was a kid, stuff that I’d only pushed down and avoided. That cavernous fucked up hole in my heart was filled on Sunday. I can tell, it’s just not inside me anymore. It’s weird to feel good inside about myself, feel peaceful, knowing there will be even more pain and challenges ahead. I feel like I now have the tools to face it and deal with it.

Honestly I just pray for Annie’s spirit. She has been plagued with holding such ugly shit in her system for so long. She deserves to be rid of that stuff and heal for good, just like the rest of us.

Today after work I get to swing by and get the kids to take them swimming. I’m super stoked and miss them even though I saw them this morning.

More on stuff tonight.

End Of The Day

Had a decent day today. Had a great time with two of my sons at the pool and things were slightly friendlier at the house as far as her attitude and engagement with me. Regardless of what she was doing though I just tried to stay cheery and happy and positive. No heavy conversations. Right after the pool I was quick about hugging the kids, telling them I love them, and leaving ASAP so not to get in some weird convo with her.

I asked her what she wants us to do for Mother’s Day and she said for me and the boys to surprise her. Apparently she asked her mom what she should do for that day and her mom told her to call me and figure it out. I sense she’s still trying to avoid me. I’m trying to stay strong through this but I have to check myself almost hourly cause I get hung up this stuff she’s doing. It’s getting hard to not get angry at times, like I’m being strung along but I’m trying to be patient.

I’ll be sure to pray tonight.

May 05, 2008: Day After The Storm

So it’s my first day after extremely heavy events some painful, some very intense, but all good I believe. I can tell that God has stripped away the deep rooted lingering pain that was tied to issues that in a lot of ways had nothing to do with my marriage. But today I still feel like I’ve started the grieving process of divorce even though she hasn’t said she wanted one yet. It’s almost like, regardless if we end up together or not, I’m grieving the good stuff of our initial marriage, and in some cases the bad stuff, only because it was what was comfortable and familiar to me.

I’m definitely still at peace with all this, God has just handed the shield back to me. In my mind, God gives you this gnarly shield which is His love, sometimes it gets too heavy to carry over several years and we drop it. He then picks it up and holds it for us while we get through this stuff and then once we feel rejuvenated, He hands it back and says, “alright buddy, I’m always here for you but buck up and be strong, you’ll get through this.”

Ok…gotta do some actual work today and get back on track. This weekend was gnarly.

The Rest Of The Day

It was a fairly normal work day. I was in a weird space, stomach kind of jacked most of the day. I can’t seem to eat more than half a side salad per meal. I’ve lost 5 pounds in 5 days. It’s actually a good thing. I’ve been drinking almost no alcohol and just water and iced tea. Anyway it was interesting because the wife seems to be getting colder and colder with me, no matter how nice I am. I think she’s got some crazy shit going on inside. God loves her very much but I don’t feel like she’s opening herself up to him otherwise she’d be more at peace and focusing more on her family.

You know what though? It’s all good. I more feel sad for her that she’s reeling from all this change. It’s painful to go through this stuff and I can see she’s in major pain. We’ve all had to go through it at some point.

So back to the coldness. I tried to get a hold of her and couldn’t find her around 8:15pm and 8-ish is our youngest son’s bed time so it was a little weird. I called the owner of the martial arts studio (not her distraction one but a different dude) and just asked if she was there. He said yeah she’s staying late to clean up some stuff. I told him to tell her to call my cell. She does and is as cold an unemotional as can be. I’m honestly in awe of it. I said “Didn’t your class end like half hour ago?” She got all flustered and impatient with me on the phone going on about how she needed to pick up her laptop and our son’s TV she brought for him. I know the guy who likes her and works there stays late too. I’m sure there’s a little bit of “since I’m not allowed to see this guy outside of the studio now, I may as well hang out at the studio more often”. She might think she’s fooling everyone but she’s not and most importantly she’s not gonna be able to fool herself forever either.

She doesn’t seem like the loving friendly person I’ve known. She said she feels like we’re just friends and still doesn’t see herself being married to me, which I can deal with, I’ll survive that. However, she’s getting to the point where she’s not even friendly. Again though, I just feel sorry for her. She’s missing out on happiness and her kids because she’s tweaking out a little bit. I did tell her at the end of the call that I’m gonna give her the whole month to have space and think about stuff. That the “old” impatient Rich was responsible for cutting the deadline short and that she deserved more space. It was hard because patience is something I’m weak in but God I believe wants me to learn to exercise it so I am.

I went and talked to the couple that are close to us that went through this too and they are amazing. I’m so blessed to have such great friends who would stop and help me or my children at the drop of a hat. I Spent most of my evening there and it was great. They’re very sad for us, for me, for my wife, for our children. The husband had sent my wife and email reminding her how important her kids and her family unit were and that they’re a gift. He reminded her of the time when he himself was in her shoes, distracted by someone, etc. My wife wrote him a letter telling him that he needed to buck up and focus on his family and marriage. He now wrote that same letter back to her as the same shoe is now on her foot. A lot of great stuff.

While I know I’ll grieve if she leaves me, it’ll be hard for sure and do have anxiety about it, I’ll be ok. I’m not alone and I have lots of people that love and support me and my sons all around us and close.

It’s kinda weird because my wife called these friends while I was there and she’s just exhausted. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. I talked to her mom tonight who is an amazing person and she’s disappointed in her daughter and thinks that she’s distracted by her emotions and needs a swift kick in the ass to bring her back down to earth. Interesting to hear her comments for sure.

I’m off to bed now to pray and read a little.

Regardless of what she’s doing, I’m going to be positive, continue to pray and read. Tomorrow is gonna be great

May 04, 2008: The First “Family Day”

Today is the first time we will be doing our first “family day” with the kids where we hit church in the morning, do something all day with the boys, and then have a date night for just her and I.

New Issue Cropping Up: Emotional Heroin Addiction

So I can say that while I’m not speaking of actual heroin, I believe my wife has an addiction right now that needs an intervention. Over the last couple days, this guy from the martial arts studio that I’ve spoken of, has been hanging out with her at the pool, sometime at my house, playing with my kids, etc. While she claims it’s “harmless”, what I don’t think she’s seeing is that for years there were a couple needs she had that I didn’t take care of, things that were a big deal to her. I’ve recognized those flaws in myself and have a plan to start working on them.

However, this guy she’s friends with has those traits she craves naturally. So while I’m here at the cabin trying to work on stuff, she’s at home getting those needs met by someone else. When it’s her turn at the cabin, I’m home by myself trying to just hang with the kids and embrace the situation. So if my wife said she wants to start “missing” me again utilizing our break from each other and build anew, how can she clear her head effectively, get started on missing me as her new self blossoms, while her needs are already being met by someone else?

I talked with her best friends husband last night. Him and his wife went through the same thing. They were unhappy, and then outsiders showed up in their lives and started to drive them apart. His wife for instance started out where this guy was a co-worker so they bonded all day at work. Then the traits he had naturally filled her void. Then talking at work turned into meeting for lunch, then that turned into him coming over to bbq’s, then that turned into him randomly showing up at their house to catch a movie with her, which eventually lead to infidelity.

While I don’t see my wife going that far I see at least an affair of the heart in the making. I called our counselor to make sure I was being rational and flying off the handle. She was a little shocked to find out that there was a man in her life outside of me that was at my house hanging out, and going out with her while I’m not there. My wife’s best friend is a big supporter of my wife’s new transformation but she’s also a big supporter of us being married and working this out. Even she is starting to question what is going on with this guy coming over and hanging out, etc.

I’ve asked my wife if she was cool with not seeing him outside of the normal martial arts class schedule during the month of May while we work on our stuff. My counselor said that was a good approach. If she says no, then we have a bigger issue here. If she says yes then I feel confident that we can repair and rebuild our relationship.

I’ll post more about this later I’m sure…

Church This Morning: Gnarly

Wow. So I went into church this morning and had no idea what I was in for. While I’m a spiritual guy with leans towards Christianity, I’m also very down to earth and accepting that life is full of grey area and pain. God didn’t make a bunch of robots. We’re human and this life is full of pain, hate, love, rage, trauma, stress, triumph, you name it. My point is that I’m not your average Christian in denial of the shit that life doles out.

So the sermon today was tailor made for me and this situation I’m in right now. The whole sermon was about forgiveness and for people that were going through some heavy stuff, people that had a hole torn into their heart and didn’t know what to do next. He started speaking and right away I was in tears. This stuff was just so heavy for me right now. He spoke of how in life people wrong you, or you get burned by circumstances that just fuck you up and scar your heart, how we by the nature of being human, hold onto shit until it starts to actually degrade our physical health.

He just said that we need to freely forgive others unconditionally, until and/or unless you do that as soon as possible, you can’t live free. You’re enslaved by something intangible – THE PAST! Forgiveness is a choice God gives you to make on your own. He gives you the choice of letting go, moving on, being happy, being at peace.

There was a communion at the end and they said if anyone needs someone to pray for them, come up to the front. The church is small and pretty interactive so people easily start walking up and being part of it. I almost felt like God was behind me pushing me to go up. So I thought fuck it. I got so much crap going on right now I don’t know what else to do with myself anyway. I went up there and a couple placed their hands on me and started praying for me. I just broke down like a slobbering sloppy sappy mess. I couldn’t hold in shit anymore. They proceeded to bring up things on their own accord that tripped me out as they didn’t know me at all, we’d never met before.

First she said she could picture me as a little boy taking responsibility for something that wasn’t my fault – I finally as a child in my mind, forgave myself for my female abandonment issues.

Then the man said, I’m picturing your father – I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my father because he won’t talk to me. He’s a pain med addict and I called him on his shit, for taking money from us and showing no remorse like most addicts do. He shut me out and I was mad and resentful. I felt like this morning I could let it go and forgive him for it.

Then the woman said that I’ve been repeating something for years that I need to forgive myself for – I related this immediately me realizing the other day I had lost so much time that should’ve been spent paying attention to my wife and kids because I was fucked up, immature and jaded from getting together so young. This morning I could now let that go and forgive myself for that. I felt like old swim goggles I was wearing, moldy, foggy, were finally removed after years. I noticed all these little details about my children today while spending time with them. They’re so amazing and while I’m bummed I missed out on some years mentally/emotionally with them due to my own unhappiness in my marriage, my oldest is barely a teenager and I have a lot of years left to fix this, heal this, and be a new father that is attentive with his kids, loves them, and shows it in his actions from here on out. Awesome.

Man…Today for the first time in 10 years, I feel at peace with everything. I’d like to work my marriage out but if she chooses divorce, I’m at peace with that and support her as my teammate in raising our sons. God has let me know that I will be ok, that I don’t have to bear this burden. He will shoulder it and that’s what Christianity is about: Forgiveness and letting God handle the dirty laundry. I need to concentrate on growing as a person and nothing else. Whatever else is supposed to fall in place will do so on it’s own.

Time With The Kids

As far as the kids go we had an amazing day. As I stated above, my head is now clear and free to change into a new father, be the dad I’ve always wanted to be. We went to the beach and explored and hung out. We went out and got some lunch and then to a park. Everyone had a great time and I was more attentive and affectionate with them than I’ve been in years, all in one day. They were soaking it up like sponges. I felt like I had finally arrived as their father.

The “Date”

It was interesting because after we got home from family day, I realized she was acting like she was going through the motions today, not totally into it. I pointed this out and she said she’s just so happy to be free of from our past marriage that right now she doesn’t see herself going back to being married to me. I said I understand and that honestly after this morning’s gnarly spiritual experience, I’m at peace with whatever decision she makes. I told her that I’d like to spend my life with the NEW her with my new heart and new open arms. If she chooses to stay this new course with me at her side I’m game. I also said that if she just can’t see herself being married to me no matter what, that I’m at peace with it. I also said that if she wants a divorce, she needs to make this decision sooner than later as we don’t need a whole month of May to make that call if she’s already made her decision. No sense in dragging it out. I told her I need a decision before I head out of town for the weekend in mid May to visit my mom and extended family.

I need this decision to be made so that I can move on too and we can get the ball rolling with the kids. We’ll need to set up counseling and work closely with them to make sure they know we’re still good friends, we love them more than anyone else, and that we will both be with them all the time. We are their involved, and loving parents and none of that changes.

At Peace Finally

I feel great right now. I feel like God has really effectively reminded me that He is there as my support while I deal with my circumstances. I would like to work out my marriage and start fresh but if it ends in divorce, beyond my control, that’s OK. I don’t want to be married to someone that doesn’t want to be married to me anyhow. That’s not healthy. I learned so much that I can teach my children about through all this and I’m thankful.

Off to bed…

May 03, 2008: My Turn

So today mid day it’s my turn to pack up some stuff and go for my first night at the little house we rented for the month. Lord knows I need the break from all this stuff. I haven’t had a break from it since the wife started the ball rolling almost 2 weeks ago. It’s been rough because since this started, she’s had all kinds of time to go think about things, etc. and I’ve been stuck with the work grind and then home to deal with the kids by myself, with no real time to slow down and start processing this stuff. Anyway…I’m looking forward to it.

Still Tripping A Little From Last Night

Last night I had an issue with my wife being out with her male friend. I was a little insecure about it thinking I could talk to her after they went to a movie and then didn’t get a text message until 2 hours after the movie was over because they went and got a late dinner afterwards until about 1AM. This kinda sent me over the edge on this issue. I finally got a hold of her and voiced my concern that it would be one thing for her to do that while our marriage was all peachy but we are on the rocks right now and I didn’t consider what she did entirely appropriate.

I told her that I absolutely am cool with her having a friendship with him and while she assured me that I have nothing to worry about, her whole response to it is a little interesting to me. I had asked her
if she understood that under the circumstances, why going out and having dinner with him late after a movie might be considered inappropriate, she didn’t really give me a clear answer. I wasn’t totally sure how to process that. To qualify the movie thing, she had planned on going to the movie with him and other people but everyone else ducked out so it’s not like she planned a date with him. The other side of this is that I had invited him over to hang out last night and he said he was busy but there was no mention that he was hitting a movie later with her and her friend.

Another Conversation

So I just had a conversation with her before i left to come here to the cabin for my time away. It was really fucking hard. I support her approach but it was hard to hear. My stomach hurts like a motherfucker. The two years ago I mention on the about page I was at her point now. I came to this peaceful decision that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. When I decided to stick with it and try and make it work, I worked really hard to change my mindset. Now the hard part is, I need to try and undo that and go back to where I was two years ago so that I can approach our situation without the stickiness.

She basically said that such a burden and weight had been lifted off of her that right now she can’t even visualize being together at all. It really hurt me to hear her say that. She said she is just focusing on everything one day at a time and reminds me that we just started this process. This has only been going on for two days so I’m being impatient. I just hate shaky ground. It’s a weird thing because I love her, respect her and agree completely with what she’s doing and her approach but it hurts so much to now undo what I redid to try and make it work.

A Confession

While packing to prepare to leave, I was perusing the books in both the bookshelves on either side of our bed looking for some stuff to bring here today to the cabin. A couple of them fell out on the floor from her bookshelf. One in particular opened up. I picked it up and started reading to see what it was. It was the diary that she had kept up since she was pregnant with our first child 11 years ago.

I read one page, then jumped to another year, read one page, then to another year, etc. I did that about 5 times against my own ethics with privacy and then slammed it shut and put it away. There was so much anger in there, so much sadness and frustration, so much heavy criticism of me, some warranted for sure, and some that just seemed plain irrational and kinda sick/dysfunctional….which I guess is what diaries are for.

The thing that was the most disturbing to me I guess was how much was verbalized in there that was never told to me, or written to me in a letter when she was feeling it. She would just keep feeling it, writing in her diary, feeling it again and again and again..but she wouldn’t communicate half of that shit to me.

While I’m not the best listener in the world and I talk a lot, I feel a little robbed of several opportunities to work on issues that I didn’t totally know existed for her….like I was never given a chance to work on some of this stuff and fix it. I feel like her claws were so deep in me to serve her co-dependency that there was nothing I could do right….and now I feel like I’m paying for it and being held responsible.

I know didn’t realize how fucking miserable and angry and sad and critical internally she was.

What’s Next For Today

Of course I don’t want to be married to someone who is that unhappy with me. It kills me to know I was a source of that much misery for someone. I got my quirks but I’m a nice guy and willing to work on shit. I’m really tore up right now and shit hurts really bad. I’m not mad at her at all I’m just really fucking sad at the possibility of this not working out because what seems like a gigantic 15 year misunderstanding. Everyone tells me I’ll be ok in the end, with her or not. I’ve seen my mom survive this shit and now she’s at peace in her 3rd marriage. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to see that yet for myself. In fact I should follow the wife’s advice and just roll with this process and don’t project out the future.

I’m really trying not to self-medicate with alcohol. I’m gonna go workout for about 2 hours tonight to blow off some steam and hopefully get some photography in today.

More to come later I’m sure.

Supportive Friends, BIG Realization

My wife’s personality is one of those sensitive introverts that doesn’t want to be the center of attention but does not want to be overlooked either. My Sagittarius/Year of The Tiger personality has the ability to walk on people like that, even those that I love, even if unintentionally. My mom was not present during some of my more formative years and when she was she didn’t listen to anyone, she just pretended to but was always pre-occupied, doing her own thing and just saying ‘uh huh’ while you tried to talk to her. My dad was a better listener but was super moody and unpredictable. So they had sex and I was born…blessed with the combo of being a bad listener AND moody. Awesome. I came into the world and was out of the gate with no tools at all for paying attention to those I cared about.

My wife’s parents were terrible in this right as well. Her father was in his own world paying attention to no one but himself and her mom just accepting it and has been in denial about her unhappiness her whole life. Naturally my wife marries someone like me cause that’s what is comfortable to her.

So I just got back from visiting with my wife’s best friend and her mom, who we are very close with. We started to dialog the situation and traverse all the things they’ve heard my wife complain about, shooting me recommendations for stuff, questioning me as well, all with the intent of loving my wife and I and helping us to make things better and make them work.

I suddenly broke down…….hard. I couldn’t stop crying. Here I am this big tattooed guy, standing at 6’4″, sobbing my eyes out.

It just dawned on me…..I have not been paying attention to the details of those around me, my loved ones and beyond. I’d get up in the morning and just do what I did being cordial with hugs and stuff, but not really paying attention and smelling the fucking roses.

I had realized that my poor wife had lived for 15 years with someone that loved her but never truly was in tune with what her favorite food was, her favorite color, her favorite restaurant. We’d been together for 15 years and I didn’t know shit about her because I didn’t pay attention to those that I love the most. My wife and kids DESERVE that kind of attention. They deserve to be #1, to be noticed, supported, surprised with gifts that only I would know they liked being their father.

It’s hard to stomach the thought of what I had deprived my wife of. I started to stack up in my head all the times I could’ve and should’ve just paid better attention to their needs and interests and then out of love contributed to those.

Since we have our date tomorrow night I HAD to go talk to her today about it so that we could just have fun tomorrow night for our date night and not talk about our marriage. I just couldn’t stop crying when I was apologizing to her. I was so sorry that the main man in her life was not blessing her with the attention to her feelings and interests for 15 years that she should have gotten. I just didn’t have the tools mentally/emotionally to do it. I just want to be able to have a chance to fix this for good with her.

These aren’t traits I want just for this marriage though. I want them for me as a person. I want to learn how to think about others. I want to pay attention to them, their likes/dislikes, and retain the info because I care about them. Regardless if I stay married to my current wife or not, these are the examples I’d want to show my kids so that they take these into their relationships when they’re old enough.

Heading off to the gym to wear myself out…

Tonight

Back from the gym. A good dose of cardio for the soul. I still have a knot in my stomach about this stuff but I think I really need some time to heal and move forward. I still feel like I’m in the trenches and it sucks. I think I may shower and go grab a quick beer and some benadryl since this cabin is a dusty bastard.

Tomorrow Should Be A Good Day

It’s our first “family day” where we’re gonna head to church together in the morning, do something with the kids all day, and then her and I will have a date tomorrow night. I recommended something fun and simple like bowling or miniature golf with the agreement that we don’t talk about our marriage. More on that tomorrow!

May 02, 2008: Survived!

It was a little odd sending the wife off last night. I felt like I was doing the whole “if you love her, set her free, if she comes back, she’s yours, if not, move on” type thing. Once the kids were all in bed it was REALLY quiet and at first I had the initial panic of being lonely, no one to talk to about the work day, no one to ask about their day, etc.

In an effort to ‘move on’ from that little emotional spaz out I just got into some work stuff online and then eventually straightened up the kitchen and started a movie. I’ve been working on enjoying being alone and quiet for awhile now so that wasn’t entirely new but the current circumstances were different now so I had to remind myself of my issues and settle the fuck down. After I focused on that, I was fine.

I woke up this morning pretty much did what I always do – make sure the older boys are on track, getting ready for school and making toast for my 5 year old. The only thing different was that I had to get him dressed for school so that the wife could come pick him up.

I felt like I had survived the first night alone, and the waking up alone, taking care of business, etc. I believe it will get easier every night that goes by and will help clear my head in a healthy way. It’s always that initial shock that’s the hardest I think.

Tonight is my last night of my shift at our house and then I go and trial the new place where she’s been at. Apparently all the amenities are great and it’s a very quiet relaxing place to hang out. A friend of mine brought me some books to read so that I can successfully stay away from TV and not burn myself out online. I think it’s gonna be another initial ‘hump’ for me to get through sleeping in another place that I’m supposed to call “home” without the other person there…a little dose of what it would be like to have a life away from this other person in the morning, after work, etc.

I think it’ll be another good step in freeing my mind from the emotional dependence on being married to her so that if things work out, we’ll both be more independent emotionally. My goal is to make sure that I’m clear on knowing that if I miss her and want to be married to her that it’s because I love her for who she is and not because of my issues or hang ups.

I’ll admit that one thing I’m concerned about is that after we go through this stuff, what if I’m happy with who I am and stronger and am attracted to the new wife being independent and strong etc. but she doesn’t want to be married to me anymore because she was married to me so much for the wrong reasons and can’t see throught that? What if she realizes I’m not her type at all? My heart would definitely be broken.

My gut feeling is that aside from my own hang ups, stripping all that away, I’m excited to meet and be with the new Annie and embrace it as all the issues that have bothered me about her are tied to her issues and not the “real” her. There’s a hope I have that she does the same.

After going through this I feel like I’ll be more freed from my own issues but if she isn’t attracted to me anymore or can’t get over the bitterness she feels towards me after being enslaved in her own co-dependency for so long and decides that she doesn’t want to be with me…again I’d be hurting and feel like enough of a shot wasn’t given to really be together as adults. It’s like if we can spend that long working so hard to be miserable, why can’t we at least work for a year to make it work now that we are happier people? Maybe that is the plan and I don’t know???

I’m feeling neurotic about it right now I guess. It’s so early in the game and she’s only just started this process. We haven’t even started our dating, counseling, etc. yet. I haven’t even started staying at the new place either.

Fuck I hate the unknown right now. The unknown in life has always been what’s turned me on but it is steering me the complete other way right now and burning me out.

Another Issue, Part of My Re-Training I Guess

So a new issue has come up for me over the last few days. It’s made me uneasy but only because of the circumstances and history I think. My wife has a male friend at the martial arts studio that she’s partial to on a social level. I’ve never been the jealous type, at least with my wife but I think it’s because she was so co-dependent with me that I got used to her never having guy friends outside of me. The fact that our relationship is in flux makes it hard for me to digest the thought of her hanging out with him, especially because they have good chemistry.

The bottom line is that while it should be considered perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex, and I should trust her to make the right decision. I’ll admit I’m insecure about this right now because she has never had her own adult life where she has male friends that she connects with while being married to me. I’m used to her only relating to me as her primary male and no one else.

I think I’d be more comfortable with this if our marriage was a ‘go’ and I knew we were committed. Honestly though, she deserves to have as many friends as she wants, male or female, as do I. She also deserves to be trusted to make the right choices in that independence, the way I’ve always expected her to trust me.

This guy that she’s hanging out with while I’m not there is a good person, I know him, what kind of guy he is, and in my heart do not believe he would do anything to jeopardize my family and my children as he’s close to them too.

Taking a deep breath….I just hope that her reeling from co-dependence doesn’t make her lose sight of the big picture.

May 01, 2008: No Wife In My Bed

Day 1 Starts Now

I know, the title sounds bleak BUT it isn’t. It’s more just representative of Day 1 of this process. Since I was married at 18, I’ve been sleeping next to the same person. She always been there and present for everything…every step of the way. Sure she has gone out of town before but tonight and every night during this month, it is and will be different.

I admit I do have a little anxiety about it. This is mostly tied to my main childhood issue that I’m about to go full throttle in dealing with.

Female Abandonment.

This issue SUCKS….a LOT. It really distorts the shit out of what it means to have a relationship with a female. So back in the day when I was 9 years old, my mom and dad divorced and I think even before that she had emotionally checked out of their marriage. In her own world and journey she was on at the time, my brother and I were sort of emotionally forgotten by her. I mean, she loved us and was nice to us when she was around but she started avoiding the house more and more and then they split.

Back then my little brother and I were in survival mode living with my dad so we on the surface just dealt with it. My mom was so unhappy with my dad for her own reasons and vice versa that she distanced herself from our house and her involvement with us quite a bit.

Dreams

I recall having a couple recurring dreams for several years during my childhood. The first one is obviously tied to the result of my mom not being around emotionally during the hard times.

Dream 1: The Nurturing Figure

This one is hard for me to even type as I sit here thinking about it. I was a child in this dream. I’m sitting in an apartment or condominium similar to the one I grew up in. There’s a little bit of a glow coming in from a window in the room but I can’t see anything outside the window. It’s just a faint glow. I’m sitting on a couch waiting in the living room. I wait for a while. There’s a hallway off of the room I’m in that leads into darkness. I remember sitting there in anticipation in this dream, eager to experience what is about to come down the hall.

Finally the moment comes and I look down the hall. A tall motherly woman with a soft glowing smile on her face comes down the hall, wearing a soft white bathrobe and a soft white towel wrapped in her hair. She looks down at me with a pleased face. Her face tells me she is happy to see me and happy to be here for me, happy to hold me and support me. She sits down gently next to me on the couch and puts her arm around my head and pulls it towards her lap. Once my head is on her lap, she caresses my head as if her plan is to stay with me as long as I need.

Dream 1: What I Think It Means

To me it just shows me the longing for a nurturing and emotionally available female. The irrational version of that longing still exists which is why I have a lot of work to do this month.

Dream 2: Rise & Fall

I dreamt that I’d be climbing an old metal kids slide at a park in Newport Beach that my mom or her parents would always take us to. This was the real deal too. Back in the old days, the 80′s, the parks had metal play areas and the slides were tall. I remember in the dream, I’d be slowly climbing up this slide, one rung at a time. happy as a clam. I’d look down and see other kids playing, my mom or grandpa sitting on the bench waving at me and happy. Everything was in slow motion.

I’d finally make it to the top, pull myself up to the small metal platform with pride. I’ve made it! I’ve arrived! I remember having those feelings and being so proud up there.

Then it was odd because all of a sudden everything around me disappeared. The ground dropped off around me. The other children were gone. There was no more laughing or playing or joyful screaming. There was no more grandpa or mom watching me from a bench. The slide was sitting atop a tall piece of land like an island that was surrounded by a long drop on all sides, rocky red cliffs all around.

The wind would pickup out of nowhere going from a breeze to a 100 mile an hour gust that would eventually knock me off the top. There I was falling…falling…down…down. I would in slow motion hit some rocks on the side of the cliff on the way down but there was no pain, no injuries, nothing.

Dream 2: What I Think It Means

I had this one pretty much back to back with the first one. We moved a lot when I was a kid and almost every school year, I was the new kid at the school, in the class. I think having to make new friends from scratch every year, my parents in and out of my life, re-marrying, etc. are to blame for this dream. Everything just felt so unstable. I think this is also tied to Dream 1 above in that the thought of losing someone I really care about and rely on beyond my control is stressful for a child, not knowing when things would come back or look up again.

Ok Enough Of The Dream Shit

My only point with the dreams wasn’t to sound like some weird hippy or tarot card reader but more to illustrate that it’s obvious that when you are a child, your experiences, emotional and otherwise, shape who you are. They make you do what you do when you’re older….UNTIL you figure out that that is the case. Then and only then can you realize that you don’t need to repeat your parents actions or behaviors. You don’t need to follow your instincts taught to you by them.

This is where I’m now exploring. My mom’s mom was distant from her emotionally as well, creating the same issue. I’ve realized I have the power to change that in myself but it’s gonna take some real work and it’s gonna take visiting some ugly places that I haven’t yet rooted out of my psyche so that I can start managing them like I have many of my other childhood issues.

Right now I feel still like I’m in limbo land. I’ve gone beyond the point of no return as far as being able to go back to the way it was 2 weeks ago but I don’t know where I’ll be yet. A future without Annie at my side is not good or bad but more just unfathomable because we got together at such a young age.

Tonight I helped her packed up her stuff for the first night of us being separated. We hugged and said I love you and it was genuine but it was strange and made me feel a little anxiety prone. I do want so bad for our marriage to work out for the right reasons. I did realize though that as I’ve started to work to get stronger and work on my issues that I do not want to be married to a co-dependent woman who does not have her own identity, her own self-esteem, her owned defined needs and wants, anymore. It just makes anything I do to help the relationship fruitless which leads to unhappiness and depression for me, and the eventualy unhappiness and long term marriage lull for her.