Every time I need to go pick up the my 11 year old from the house and say hi to my other boys and hug them. My wife is super chipper and overly friendly right now. Part of me wants to tell her that now is not the time for ‘buddies’. I want to tell that while she’s all happy and moved on into fantasy land, I’m hurt and feel betrayed and feel like she’s almost rubbing it in. I’m a tough dude and can roll with a lot of punches but I feel like she’s being really insensitive right now. I want to tell her to her face “YA KNOW THIS IS NOT A HAPPY TIME RIGHT NOW. OUR FAMILY MIGHT SOON BE SPLIT APART BECAUSE OF A DECISION YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE! HELLO? ANYONE THERE?” Right now she’s acting like she’s 12 years old running around candyland with a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.
So every time I leave from the house after getting my son, I’m all pissed off. Last night she even went as far as putting some food in a container for me to take back to the cabin with a nice little “have a good night! here’s some dinner” note. It’s like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”. I can’t tell if I’m wrong to be mad or offended by this. It’s really hard to swallow right now. Until counseling tomorrow though, I just need to buck up. She’s lucky I can hold my tongue and not flip out on her and actually say all this shit to her face as much as I’d like to.
More later….
I Feel It Coming
I know that tomorrow when I ask her where her heart is, and to tell me the absolute truth, and to tell me what is really going on. She’s gonna have to deliver the news. I’m bracing for it and I think that because I know it’s coming I’m so full of anxiety today I can’t think straight.
I feel like such a huge rug has been pulled so quickly out from under me. I feel helpless and ready to cry at work. I feel totally blindsided by this. A month ago we were doing what we do. Now my whole life is turning upside down. I’m so sad right now.
What’s Next…
I’m about to go out of town. If she drops the big “D”, it’s not until tomorrow so I need to enjoy my evening with the kids. One thing my mom said is that I may have to be ‘the one’ to initiate what needs to happen. She said when she was doing what my wife is doing now while married to my dad, even though she was the one who ‘left’, she couldn’t bring herself to be the one filing for divorce. My dad had to do it for her. She said today that my wife may not have the tools right now to handle everything or know how to put closure to this or confront it head on, which makes sense if I look at what her whole issue is in the first place - confronting issues and dealing head on with what is bothering her. I’m not sure how I feel about all that. Part of me has too much pride…like “you’re making your bed, you lay in it!” She’s dragged me through this enough already why to I need to the also the project manager for our divorce?
Throughout our marriage she’d have some recurring issue with her mom or her own close friends and I’d say, “sounds like this is really bothering you, go talk to them and work it out so you can move on.” Her response was almost always, “yeah it’s no biggie.”
Now here we are. What a waste and a bunch of bullshit. I can’t get over (at least right now) how unnecessary and stupid this all is. Maybe it is necessary and God is working in me and laying ground for my next chapter. I’ll have to really trust Him on this one.
I’m about to go pick up my 3 sons from the martial arts studio. It’s a very intense experience from me because she’s there, that guy is there, and my sons are there and I don’t feel like interacting with anyone except my kids. I hate it and get a ton of anxiety from it.
Uggh…
I think I just need to focus on the high road and being calm through this. Tomorrow I HOPE she will come clean with me. That is becoming more important to me that the actual fact of her divorcing me at this point.
WHEW
To cap off today’s post, I had to go pick up my boys and when I saw her and she was acting all chippy, I just couldn’t take it. I asked her nicely to think about tomorrow’s counseling session because I can’t live in limbo anymore. My life path was sitting there in her hands while she roamed around being happy being friends with me. She got all uncomfortable and I told her that she didn’t have to answer me right then but she would have to give me something tomorrow in counseling. I mentioned to her that her friends, the ones that love us both and want us both to be happy, have told me that she is not showing any more interest in this marriage than she was a month ago, in fact, it’s less. I called her on that and said honestly, even after June, do you truly feel like you want to be married to me? She just couldn’t say anything. It drives me nuts.
So I told her, no prob, we’ll discuss in counseling tomorrow. Apparently she skipped out on her class at the studio and went into the restroom crying. She came back out and asked her best friend if she really told me that she thought it was over. Her friend said yes and then laid into her about how she just needs to tell me how she feels and what she wants. My wife said she’s so afraid of hurting me and her friend said that’s life, he’ll be ok. My wife’s best friend was in a similar boat as me where her husband said he wanted out but wasn’t sure for a couple months. It tore her up and my wife supported her during that time. She referenced that to remind my wife of what I’m feeling and how it’s doing more damage than good.
Hopefully tomorrow in counseling, she comes clean so we can move on. I’m already feeling relaxed knowing that there’s a good chance she’ll move on and let me know. It’s her opportunity to FINALLY tell me what she wants and feels at a time when it’s most important.
I plan on being super calm and receptive.
