May 02, 2008: Survived!

It was a little odd sending the wife off last night. I felt like I was doing the whole “if you love her, set her free, if she comes back, she’s yours, if not, move on” type thing. Once the kids were all in bed it was REALLY quiet and at first I had the initial panic of being lonely, no one to talk to about the work day, no one to ask about their day, etc.

In an effort to ‘move on’ from that little emotional spaz out I just got into some work stuff online and then eventually straightened up the kitchen and started a movie. I’ve been working on enjoying being alone and quiet for awhile now so that wasn’t entirely new but the current circumstances were different now so I had to remind myself of my issues and settle the fuck down. After I focused on that, I was fine.

I woke up this morning pretty much did what I always do - make sure the older boys are on track, getting ready for school and making toast for my 5 year old. The only thing different was that I had to get him dressed for school so that the wife could come pick him up.

I felt like I had survived the first night alone, and the waking up alone, taking care of business, etc. I believe it will get easier every night that goes by and will help clear my head in a healthy way. It’s always that initial shock that’s the hardest I think.

Tonight is my last night of my shift at our house and then I go and trial the new place where she’s been at. Apparently all the amenities are great and it’s a very quiet relaxing place to hang out. A friend of mine brought me some books to read so that I can successfully stay away from TV and not burn myself out online. I think it’s gonna be another initial ‘hump’ for me to get through sleeping in another place that I’m supposed to call “home” without the other person there…a little dose of what it would be like to have a life away from this other person in the morning, after work, etc.

I think it’ll be another good step in freeing my mind from the emotional dependence on being married to her so that if things work out, we’ll both be more independent emotionally. My goal is to make sure that I’m clear on knowing that if I miss her and want to be married to her that it’s because I love her for who she is and not because of my issues or hang ups.

I’ll admit that one thing I’m concerned about is that after we go through this stuff, what if I’m happy with who I am and stronger and am attracted to the new wife being independent and strong etc. but she doesn’t want to be married to me anymore because she was married to me so much for the wrong reasons and can’t see throught that? What if she realizes I’m not her type at all? My heart would definitely be broken.

My gut feeling is that aside from my own hang ups, stripping all that away, I’m excited to meet and be with the new Annie and embrace it as all the issues that have bothered me about her are tied to her issues and not the “real” her. There’s a hope I have that she does the same.

After going through this I feel like I’ll be more freed from my own issues but if she isn’t attracted to me anymore or can’t get over the bitterness she feels towards me after being enslaved in her own co-dependency for so long and decides that she doesn’t want to be with me…again I’d be hurting and feel like enough of a shot wasn’t given to really be together as adults. It’s like if we can spend that long working so hard to be miserable, why can’t we at least work for a year to make it work now that we are happier people? Maybe that is the plan and I don’t know???

I’m feeling neurotic about it right now I guess. It’s so early in the game and she’s only just started this process. We haven’t even started our dating, counseling, etc. yet. I haven’t even started staying at the new place either.

Fuck I hate the unknown right now. The unknown in life has always been what’s turned me on but it is steering me the complete other way right now and burning me out.

Another Issue, Part of My Re-Training I Guess

So a new issue has come up for me over the last few days. It’s made me uneasy but only because of the circumstances and history I think. My wife has a male friend at the martial arts studio that she’s partial to on a social level. I’ve never been the jealous type, at least with my wife but I think it’s because she was so co-dependent with me that I got used to her never having guy friends outside of me. The fact that our relationship is in flux makes it hard for me to digest the thought of her hanging out with him, especially because they have good chemistry.

The bottom line is that while it should be considered perfectly normal to have friends of the opposite sex, and I should trust her to make the right decision. I’ll admit I’m insecure about this right now because she has never had her own adult life where she has male friends that she connects with while being married to me. I’m used to her only relating to me as her primary male and no one else.

I think I’d be more comfortable with this if our marriage was a ‘go’ and I knew we were committed. Honestly though, she deserves to have as many friends as she wants, male or female, as do I. She also deserves to be trusted to make the right choices in that independence, the way I’ve always expected her to trust me.

This guy that she’s hanging out with while I’m not there is a good person, I know him, what kind of guy he is, and in my heart do not believe he would do anything to jeopardize my family and my children as he’s close to them too.

Taking a deep breath….I just hope that her reeling from co-dependence doesn’t make her lose sight of the big picture.