Last night prayed hard for awhile, definitely an emotional session, lots of tears. I admit I’m a little angry that my boys are starting to feel the heat because my wife is spinning out. I always wanted to raise children that had no idea what divorce was like. The unfortunate thing here is that my wife doesn’t truly know what divorce is like for kids. The good news is that our kids are way happier and stable than I was when my parents left each other. There will still be pain though and that longing they’ll always have for us to be together but we’ll need to move forward if it goes that “other” route.
Individual Counseling Session This Morning
I had my first individual session with our counselor this morning. It went really well. She’s read my blog and knows where I’m at. I went over with her the pain and struggling as well as my long term victory with God on Sunday. I’m starting to move on from our ‘old marriage’ and am getting to a place where I’m focusing on the kids and God only. I have no desperation to stay with my wife as she is today or was in the past. I asked my counselor if I’m on the right track and handling it how I should and she said yes and that it sounds like I’m finally ‘owning’ myself, my own actions, my emotions, and getting a wrangling on that I need to do on myself to move forward and be happy. I’m feeling a little less pain today, which is nice for a change for the first time in like 3 weeks.
This whole thing is interesting too because based on what I’ve heard, none of her friends are supporting what she is doing. I feel vindicated in my feelings but most importantly I feel bad that someone I care about will possibly miss out on what she really wants in life because she’s distracted by some fantasy bullshit.
Initial Plans Tonight
My oldest has his open house tonight at school. He’s my first one in Junior High and I’m super stoked to go and check out what he’s been working on. It’ll be a little odd since I’ll be taking the kids myself and meeting the wife there. My goal is to keep things smooth.
Afterwards I hope to get my youngest to choose his baby picture so that I can take all their photographs tomorrow and finish the mother’s day project by Sunday. I think she will dig it. It’s still a struggle to do this Mother’s Day stuff cause I am a little angry with her shit right now but Mother’s Day is about the kids and their relationship with her so I’m gonna take the high road on this one.
How Quickly We Can Lose Our Footing
Whew. It was a little rough when I came home. My wife was there and things started out okay but she wanted to talk to me about this blog I’ve been posting on. She’s upset about it because she feels like I’m airing out all of our laundry. I started feeling defensive like “how dare she get on my shit when this is her doing all this” but I quickly calmed down and tried to talk quieter and explain to her that this is tough on me and the boys. When I was starting to get pissed I felt old tendencies trying to come back. I yelled a little bit and said something I didn’t mean about the martial arts studio guy. I realized how easily we can fall back, especially during this emotional time. I apologized to her for raising my voice and told her that that is NOT who I want to be and that God is changing that in me. I txt msg’d her later and apologized for my ridiculous comment and told her that I didn’t mean it. I’m just buckling under this a little bit. She said thanks for apologizing, she understands and is buckling too.
As far as the blog goes, she knows that all of our friends can see it and so can the rest of the world but I’ve listed no names. The difference between her and I is that when I feel something, I reach out and want others to see it so that I can make sure that I’m not making bad decisions, that I’m staying on track, etc. Her opinion is that this stuff is very private and should be kept as such. The issue is that I need feedback from those that care about me, those that I can trust to question me because they care about me and my well being. This is my way of letting all my friends know is going on so that I don’t have to repeat myself 8,000 times.
I process and work through issues by expelling them outward and getting feedback. She works on her issues internally. Either way is ok but she’s having a hard time with what I’m doing. She claimed I’m turning everyone against her on it but she hasn’t read it yet. Her friends are lecturing her and trying to remind her about what’s important and she’s feeling the pressure I think. Anyway, I understand why it bothers her due to the difference in who we are but I assured her that this blog does not exist to hurt her. It exists to document my healing, my changes as a man of God, and reiterates over and over my desire to make it work with her.
Open House
So we did the open house thing. Everything was very mellow and cordial but she shows no sign of anything right now really. It breaks my heart because we’re walking around the junior high, all these other parents whose kids our kids grew up with, arm in arm, at least appearing happy, and I can’t touch my wife. I’m a very affectionate dude and here we are married but can’t touch..no holding hands, hugs, kissing, arms around each other. It kills me. It’s VERY hard to hang out and feel like your spouse is pretty much uninterested and cold. I feel like I’m in the trial of my life right now. I know God is my co-pilot but my stomach wants to land eventually!
Off to read and pray.
