Change Is The Only Constant
Today hasn’t started out particularly great. There hasn’t been any drama per se but I’m feeling angry about this whole thing right now. I’m feeling like I’m trying to give her space, while keeping the boys comfortable, while working on my own stuff, while trying to have hope, while trying to stay the course with God, while maintaining my calm and cordial relations with her, while making sure kids are set up to have a good Mother’s Day to honor her.
Today I feel like “give me a fucking break”. Throw me a bone already, is she gonna try and work it out or not? I’m balancing the “don’t lose hope” with “sell the house, get apartments, file for divorce, and move on.” I’ve lost like 8 lbs in 8 days. Yeah I started exercising but mostly because I can’t bring myself to eat much. I just feel fucked inside waiting for the great mystery of her mind to unravel itself. Part of me wants to give her a time limit but me rushing things was always an issue in our marriage in the first place.
She has her first individual counseling session today. I prayed for her last night that God would unclutter her spirit, mind and heart, and shake them out a little bit. I feel like the old house inside of her needs God’s bulldozer to come in and level it. When she came by this morning so I could take one of our sons to school, she was late and looked pretty wrecked like she hadn’t slept very well and was cracking a little bit. I think this counseling session is here just in time (for her sake).
I’m getting to the point where I’m willing to think about moving on without her but I just don’t want to be hasty if the work God is going to do with her yields her wanting to stick with this and try and work it out. I have a history of trying to control when people do stuff because my childhood was unstable and that’s how people with my background deal with stuff like this. I’m trying to change all that and not put intense schedules and heavy pressure on anyone going through life issues like this.
Anger
I feel right now like I’m kinda bursting at the seams and it’s pissing me off. My counselor reminded me that it’s ok to be angry about this and to expect it. I just don’t want to say or do something stupid, or step away from the new line I’ve drawn for my life that I want to follow.
When I was a kid, I remember trying to be the one who would keep the peace during the turmoil around me. The problem is that while doing that, I’d shove down my own anger and have massive resentments later. Then at just the right (or wrong) time, I’d blow up in many different forms, lashing out at people I cared about, beating up my little brother for no reason, etc. It was really messed up. I had to work really hard to forgive myself for a lot of that. Now, as an adult in this current situation I’m in, it’s definitely a test for me to let myself be angry right away when it comes up and not deny it. I think once I can start to re-program myself, I’ll be able to more easily manage it I think by dealing with it on the fly and addressing my issues quickly with less build up.
Shutdown
So I’ve been in the angry mode most of the day. All of a sudden at work during the afternoon, I just went into a daze. I wanted to just go to bed so bad. It became really hard to concentrate at work to the point where I didn’t even know what to think about next, literally. I look around me and I just see computers, paperwork pinned to my cubicle walls, etc. Co-workers would swing by my office and talk to me but I felt like Charlie Brown did when his teacher talked to him, that plus the same feeling I’d get from taking Nyquil, but I’ve just been drinking water all day. I didn’t even stay up late last night and slept through the night. I think I’m just overloaded. All systems to the max.
I went out to my car just now and ear buds in just for silence and laid my seat back. I straight cat napped in my car for an hour, sorta thinking about my situation but that even went away and I just felt really relaxed and calm, like my heart and stomach just needed a rest. This kind of ongoing, ever present knot in my stomach and stress I think kinda took a toll on me today. It was a really weird feeling. I just shutdown. I can’t wait to go to bed tonight.
At Home For The Evening
By the time I got home tonight after work, I was spent. I picked her up a capuccino cause I know she was a wreck this morning. Earlier today I was against doing anything nice for her cause I was angry. After kind of shutting down I felt like well just be cool and roll with whatever. Be positive and mellow, the opposite of what I’ve been for years.
Spent some good one on one time with the son that is probably the most emotional about all this. It was much needed for him and I and long overdue.
Off to pray and sleep.
