May 19, 2008: Phases

We’ll it’s the day after our first meeting. I feel better today. Every event like this with regards to the situation or planning, is one more knot that leaves my stomach. I’m starting to be able to clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel even though there’s so much work to do to get all this stuff ironed out. My outlook is slowly morphing and changing. There’s finally a plan in place for both of us that is reasonable financially/logistically.

Today is a new day for me with slightly less anxiety and I’m looking forward to more days like this.

Things Change Every Hour

So what a journey this has been. Not even an hour after I wrote that last blurb above, some new anxiety creating news rolls in. The guy from the martial arts studio baby sat my kids and many of their friends at my house while I was out of town. My wife told this to me and I said cool. This morning I was driving my son to school, asking him how his weekend was. He told me about a birthday party, etc. Then he mentioned that after this guy had babysat them, he stayed when my wife got home and then watched a movie with him. This happened after I thought we had agreed to not allow a male or female presence in front the kids until all this stuff was worked out as far as the living conditions. I call her on it and she say “oh I thought you just meant that our conduct couldn’t show them we were dating.”

This boiled my blood not because I want to be with her or don’t want her to have her own personal life. I’m starting to move past that. It pissed me off more for my boys. They’re gonna find out about the divorce soon and if she is cavorting with him regularly, essentially ‘dating’ him (but denying they’re dating), when we tell them we’re divorcing they’re gonna think that this guy plays a role in this. My wife is just being a little kid right now. She’s not being considerate of me and because she doesn’t understand the nature of divorce and kids, she’s not drawing any lines for herself.

Whenever a divorce happens, there’s always one person that is taking the high road and someone that is spinning out and clueless. Right now I feel like she is the latter which is kind funny because I’ve always normally been the somewhat irrational and emotional one. I’ve texted her and let her know that we apparently are not on the same page with the rules and that we need to meet and sign off on this.

I warned our friends that this would happen. I warned them that my wife in her new fantasy life she’s working on creating for herself, that she will inadvertently forget how her actions are affecting our kids. I foresee some problems moving forward and I just need to remember to stay mellow and collected and stay focused for my boys.

Man this shit is hard.

I feel like she has had an affair of the heart but is being slippery about revealing any information to anyone about what’s really going on. I will say that I don’t want to be married to someone like that anyway but that doesn’t make it right and the state of adamant denial she’s in is so strong right now. I can’t get her to tell me any truths about anything….it’s all lying by omission.