Metamorphisis

There have been so many changes inside me since my last post. Thanks to all for the continued support as I’ve gone through this crazy shit. A lot of great things have happened to me. My close friends have become closer. I recently got a new job, one that after 13+ years in the same industry is finally what I really want to do, allowing me to do some traveling, which in turn provides me with some time to think and grow as an individual.

The fog of anger, sadness, desperation is finally starting to clear out of my packed, confused, and in many cases immature head. Because we got together so young, while there were parts of me that had to grow up fast to be the bread winner for our family, to be a father, to be a husband, there were parts of me that just never had a chance to grow up. It all kinda hit me a week or so ago. Some of these facets of me just abruptly stopped their development when I was 16 because I was basically married at that point. I spent my 20’s raising children, working a day job, trying to be a husband. Her and I both were trying to be something we were totally ill-equipped to be. I have to say that our kids have turned out great, are full of self-esteem, and communicate their thoughts and feelings with us openly. In some ways they’re more clear headed that I am since they don’t have all the baggage.

The ex and I are becoming increasingly good friends and are working together to deal with selling our condo and getting our lives on track. I know she has no intention of continuing counseling which I think is a mistake for her but that’s not for me to worry about anymore. Furthermore my well being is not for her to worry about as much anymore either. We will make our beds and we will lay in them, just as we did when we got married and had children too young.

There were so many parts of me that were locked away, core parts of me that were normal for my personality, that are positive traits but that were just not compatible with my previous wife, traits that are compatible with other females. I’ve started hanging out with a female that on the surface is a better match for me but I need to be careful with this shit. I remember when the heaviest of strings in my life were detached from my heart, I was in a hurry to reattach them, and if not the ones from my ex, any heavy emotional strings from someone else that I could find as soon as possible. I thought that if I didn’t, I would bleed to death and that those holes would not be able to heal on their own.

I realized that even though I have a self-absorbed personality, I’ve been pretty much looking out for others my whole life. I emotionally shouldered the burden of  my parents divorce to protect myself and my brother. I met my ex in high school, she was co-dependent and quiet and shy so I knew I could protect her from the world and life and took that on. We then had kids and I then was here on this planet to protect them and work too many hours to provide for them, missing out on all the little things that are important in their lives.

Through all this I realized that I had not once taken any time to care for my own heart, figure out who I was, analyze what all my issues were, what kind of mate I’d like to be with, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, what I wanted to do as a career….I just kept going and going, sacrificing myself logistically and emotionally for others, and resenting it in many cases.

As this fog clears, I see there are now so may gaps in who I am as a mate, a father, an individual. I’m now working to fill these gaps through counseling and changing my habits. I now see the kids for half the week and instead of coming home and working some more while they sit around and watch TV, I make sure we go somewhere, anywhere…to the beach, out to eat, to the park…somewhere that we can interact with each other for a few hours and be silly and create smiles and memories that I probably appeared to never be interested in with them before.

We were so young and I had to work to make sure we weren’t poor like I was. I just got stuck in that mindset of making sure I always had work to do so that we’d never be poor and things would always be stable. There was a price that had to be paid for that and in many ways I believe the kids paid that price. I also paid the price for not learning how to smell the roses and losing touch with the ones that were most important to me.

The thing is I can’t beat myself up for that crap. Now is the opportunity for me to switch the railroad tracks, to fill all those gaps inside my psyche and heart that I have as a result of being so young, being a child, rushing into making adult decisions. It’s time to reprogram my relationship with my children so that it’s more connected, in tune and present. It brings me to tears even typing this as I sit on an airplane for a business trip right now. I forgive myself but I think it will always be hard to talk about.

I’ll be starting a weekly meditation class, painting more, playing drums more, doing more photography, reading more books, taking the kids on more trips with just their dad, more than they ever thought we’d do because of who I was before. I’m excited about the canvas that is empty and laid out before me in all facets of my life. I still struggle here and there to see the endless potential still because I spent so many years as a rat in a cage of accountability and responsibility that had no light outside. The door to the cage is wide open but parts of me want to try and close it again cause it’s all I know. Fortunately I have so many people in my life that are encouraging me and keeping me on track, encouraging me to leave the cage and explore.

I’m working hard towards being more centered with everything and everyone around me…..I have so much work to do but I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do so.

More later.