May 23, 2008: Good Day, Keep It Simple

After work today I was able to go downtown, get a haircut, grab a beer, have a salad, and just walk around for a little bit. I took a walk on the beach to unwind. While there’s still so much to do and work through logistically and work through with the kids, I feel like it’s more manageable now since my head isn’t all fucked up.

I can feel my heart wanting to regress and start spinning on the pain again but I’m getting better about pulling myself out of it whereas before I felt like I was drowning in it. I got home and was able to relax with my sons and then my ex went out.

Yesterday my counselor said that right now, since we’re still in this condo, we aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s more like ‘playing divorce’. I agree with that. That is why it’s still hard sometimes for me because we don’t have our separate lives yet. It’s hard to start building on myself as an individual when we still have this condo because it’s covered in our ‘old lives’. It’s difficult to envision my ‘new life’ right now. This situation doesn’t seem to bother my ex as it does me as she has already moved on emotionally/mentally. She is excited about her future and thinking about nothing else. I think she still is in a la la land a little bit but it is what it is.

There’s still lots to do and hopefully we can move on quickly this summer.

May 22, 2008: Every Day is Now Better Than The Last

I’m moving into a new phase now. I don’t have much to say about today.

I had an individual counseling session and we spent most of time just discussing how we’re gonna tell our kids on Sunday and the things that will come up for me as an individual as I learn about myself.

The pain is now starting to subside, I’m healing for sure, I anticipate other weird feelings but my friendship with the ex is already getting more communicative and peaceful in a more genuine sort of way. I’m trying to just focus on that and the kids.

I’m able to focus at work now MUCH better, I’m staying on track with exercise and good eating and my appetite is finally starting to come back, which is a good sign for me. I’m not feeling so angry and resentful anymore. I’m also starting to line up some activities for myself that I enjoy doing, day trips, photography, playing drums again, and regrouping with some old friends I’ve met throughout my career to get my feet back on the ground and out of the tar pit of grief. How’s that for a run-on sentence?

More tomorrow.

May 21, 2008: Turning The Corner

It was a trippy day today. My feelings were again all over the place. But I have to say that today is my first day towards real acceptance and somewhat of a milestone for me moving forward.

I went to go look at an apartment today that was totally cheap. We currently own our condo but she has no career/money-making power and she needs a place to house the kids most of the time. The apartment was just too small and miserable but is the only think we can afford if we keep the condo. The market sucks so I told her that I’d rather we figure out a way to get rid of it so I can pay her more money a month while she gets work AND so that I can have more money a month to have a decent place of my own and not live under someone’s house. She agreed right away so we’re working that one out.

My First “Dose” of The New Relationship

My feelings have been holding my attachment to my marriage in for a long time. Today I actually had a nice open, non stressful conversation with my ex-wife about this guy at the studio, dating in general for both of us. She clued me in on what she’s going through and even asked me in friendly way if I’ve been dating and suggested that I go out and enjoy it and she planned on doing the same. It was the first time though that I didn’t feel weird and hurt when we talked about it. We actually talked like real friends, all normal and relaxed, etc.

It felt bizarre but I know that’s where I’m supposed to be with it, more and more as every day passes. I was finally able to pull my shit together at work as well. My head has been in a looping state for the last month, filled with anger, confusion, betrayal, sadness, worry, anxiety, all changing within hours at times. I lost like 14 lbs in 2 weeks. I’ve been exercising but still can’t totally eat. Although I’ve noticed my appetite is slowly coming back.

Now if we can just gracefully get rid of this condo so we can truly restart our lives things will be pretty good. Our next big emotional issue is that we have to tell the kids on Sunday what’s happening. Hopefully that’s the last of the big boots to the head. I’m not looking forward to it but my ex and I are on the same page with delivering the information and supporting them.

Off to watch Immortal Beloved….

Peace out.