Another Huge Step

So last Saturday was indeed one of the most intense days I’ve had in a long time. We had scheduled to tell our older sons, 11 and 12, that we were getting divorced. I’ve felt sick about it for a couple weeks. While I knew this divorce was gonna be one that was not chaotic and malicious and fucked up, I still had flashbacks to my own parents divorce, which was shitty. They yelled at each other, my mom just straight up bailed, my dad had women coming in and out of the house that were sort of bonding with us. I had to remind myself that my divorce was most likely gonna be nothing like my own parents divorce.

We took them to a secluded beach and basically just laid it out to them. My ex was the one to initially tell them and I started filling in the gaps with more information. Both of them broke down in front of us, which we expected, and she and I did as well. It was really hard and rough for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, they gathered themselves up and asked us more questions about the logistics, etc. Once we clarified with them that the only major difference was that we’d have two differences places to live between us, that we’d have to do some schedule juggling, but that their schools/friends/support/their parents involvement, will all stay the same.

The kids have some good long vacations and breaks away from all this with my mom, etc. so that’ll allow us to work through the logistical stuff and selling our house, dealing with clean up, and more.

More to come on this front….

New Horizons Can Now Be Televised

Recovery Has Begun

It’s been a long gnarly ride this last month or so. I’ve been through so much shit, wading through the tarpits of my childhood, my past, my patterns and how all this tied into my previous marriage, fucked up half of it, and contributed to bringing it to an end.

The most important thing for me here is that even though there was all that grief and pain and misery, I feel stronger than ever right now as an individual, I feel like I have more tools now than I’ve ever had to tackle my next chapters in my life. I’m learning to just enjoy being me for me. I’m learning to enjoy my 3 sons more and all their little moments. Life is starting to feel good.

During my marriage, I had locked away so many things that were core parts of me because they were incompatible with my wife. These were things that were important for me to express and use and share with people. I had shut all that down for years and it turned me into this moody pseudo-depressed weirdo. It turned me into everything I hate about my dad. I love my dad and he has many great qualities but he’s just a downer. I was headed in that direction. I’m so glad I’m not now.

Through this process, my relationship with my sons, my mom, and my close friends, have all gotten even closer. Most importantly during these tough times, with God’s help, my relationship with myself has begun the process of building and assembling. I’m a super social guy and normally idle time with no one around me fucks with my head. I’m now starting to embrace time alone, reading a book, listening to music, doing more photography and art, thinking about things more methodically and a couple times through before executing on a plan. I’ve been reading the Bible a lot as well as some amazing translations of some Buddhist passages. There are so many peaceful introspective parallels between both paths.

Something New

So I met a new female friend. We’re just friends. There’s no dating or sex or any of that right now. We’re just hanging out and talking about life. She has turned me on to a meditation retreat at spiritrock.com. You basically go there and sit for hours in total silence so that you can clear your head from work and everything else. I really want do this and I’m afraid at the same time. I heard that some gnarly stuff comes up in your mind as time passes with no audio or visual stimulation. Layers of your daily life spin around and eventually fall off of your mind, making way for other stuff that sits deeper down below. Being someone that is accustomed to needing constant external stimulation, this exercise will be the opposite of anything that is me, which is why it excites and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Surfing The Couches

During this month while we figure out how to sell our condo, we won’t be paying for another ‘cabin’ type thing so I’ll be couch surfing on and off for a little bit. A few weeks ago it would’ve bothered me but I’m looking at it as part of my self-development during this transition. I’ll be meeting new people along the way, catching up with old friends when I crash at their house, etc. I’m looking forward to it now. The dynamic environment changes will be really great for me I think.

I’m off to go hang with my sons for a little bit, work a little bit, hit the gym, take some pictures, and then maybe visit a friend later.

Until the next post…:-)

May 23, 2008: Good Day, Keep It Simple

After work today I was able to go downtown, get a haircut, grab a beer, have a salad, and just walk around for a little bit. I took a walk on the beach to unwind. While there’s still so much to do and work through logistically and work through with the kids, I feel like it’s more manageable now since my head isn’t all fucked up.

I can feel my heart wanting to regress and start spinning on the pain again but I’m getting better about pulling myself out of it whereas before I felt like I was drowning in it. I got home and was able to relax with my sons and then my ex went out.

Yesterday my counselor said that right now, since we’re still in this condo, we aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s more like ‘playing divorce’. I agree with that. That is why it’s still hard sometimes for me because we don’t have our separate lives yet. It’s hard to start building on myself as an individual when we still have this condo because it’s covered in our ‘old lives’. It’s difficult to envision my ‘new life’ right now. This situation doesn’t seem to bother my ex as it does me as she has already moved on emotionally/mentally. She is excited about her future and thinking about nothing else. I think she still is in a la la land a little bit but it is what it is.

There’s still lots to do and hopefully we can move on quickly this summer.