The Holidays, Fuck 2008, Deep Breaths, Welcome 2009

Holidays, My Mom is Amazing

Well I was anticipating something happening inside emotionally during the holidays this year but wasn’t sure what. I’ve been warned by several friends that sometimes the first round of the major holidays after a divorce can be really rough. I got lots of awesome txt msgs from co-workers that know my situation, telling me that I could call them if I needed to. It was awesome of them and I was thankful. I was generally OK for Christmas for a few reasons I think. I had my sons to celebrate with and could find happiness and thankfulness with them. A big lucky bonus for me though was my mom flying up to be here for Christmas in my new apartment, being there for me to talk to, her seeing her son’s first apartment as an adult by himself (remember I was married essentially since I was 16 until last year). It was definitely an emotional ordeal and she was awesome on every level. I can’t express in words how thankful I am for her, her support, understanding, feedback, and life experience. She is selfless is so many ways.

My First “Run In”

I had an interesting experience shopping for my middle son’s birthday gifts the other day. I was heading into Best Buy with my 6 year old and low and behold in front of me were my ex and her dude all cuddly with each other, in arms, etc. They didn’t notice us so I lagged back a little and then went in. My son recognized them and said something to me and I had to respond with something light and positive. I thought I was ready to see that but out of nowhere my blood started to boil at the thought of how quickly she was able to hook up emotionally with this guy literally 2 wks after our separation and now they’re all lovey dovey with each other. Thoughts of extreme violence ran through my head, wanting to hit the fucker in the side of the head with a bat and watch him bleed to death. Thinking back to how I had invited him into my house and cooked for him as a ‘family friend’ before, hooking him up with some shoes from my retail store when my ex had told me he had no money, all while her and I were still married, while they were privately establishing feelings for each other. He even played dumb when I confronted him on hanging out with her alone while we weren’t decided yet on getting a divorce. He said he didn’t know we were having problems and was just being her friend. All those thoughts racing through my head. Here I was with my 6 year old, they’re in the same store with us unknowingly, I’m feeling violent as fuck but putting on an act for my son so that for him we’re just shopping for his brother’s birthday present. It was so hard to maintain my self control. I deserve a gold star for my academy award performance that day. I called her and she came over to my son and I in the store to talk about the birthday presents, etc.

I had to text my ex later and tell her I’m not ready to see that and that it’s best she help keep her man out of my sights for a long while. I was raised by a very intense, emotional, violent father with a vietnam/marine core background…taught to be violently vindictive if I’m disrespected or lied to. I’ve never acted on those impulses my whole life thanks to years of counseling and the fact that I have kids keeping my head on straight. It was just fucked up hard. I haven’t had a challenge like that in a long time. Whenever I start feeling like I have a full grasp on forgiveness and peace, new unexpected situations come around and set me back a few paces. Ugh. It was exhausting to say the least. Trying to let go of that yet *again*.

Girls, Girls, Girls, Not Ready Yet

So the dating/girl thing has been an interesting learning experience. I’ve dated lightly for sex with some. I’ve just hung out with others. I’ve tried a couple relationship-level girls that were really fucking cool but I ran into a snag with that stuff. It’s a mental cluster fuck trying to detach my brain from being in the marriage mindset..not knowing how to just date and keep it light. Recently I had to break up with another girl that was really into me, she was really cool, my ‘type’, the total relationship package….BUT….every time I date girls, it feels great for 2 wks and then all of a sudden I just shut down. I can’t give to the relationship. I’m still tapped out. I talked to my mom about it and she reiterated to me that I most likely need to learn how to have a relationship with myself first. Until that happens, I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. I have to remind myself that there is no timeline. I also have to remind myself of something else that my mom said which is, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I need to learn how to *know* that those two are NOT one in the same. It’s mental and all within my control. So after sadly breaking it off with another really cool girl a couple days ago, hurting her feelings pretty bad, feeling guilty about it, I’ve decided to kill off all online dating accounts, telling every girl that shows interest in me that I want nothing serious right now. Period. I had so much guilt breaking it off with this last girl but my mom said that I wouldn’t be able to come to the conclusion that I NEED to be single for awhile unless I went through and botched some dates/girls, etc. It sucks people have to be hurt through all this but I guess it’s what happens. I have some other friends going through a divorce and they’re doing the same bullshit….so I guess that makes me normal? Whew.

Ready to Make 2009 My Bitch

So throughout November and December of last year I had turned into quite the double personality stoner/drinker. When I had the kids, I was a responsible and sober father figure. The moment they left my house, I’d just go on a bender with weed and drinking. Starting New Year’s Eve, I got rid of the rest of my pot, toned down the drinking and hit the gym again. My creative juices are flowing again. I got a new camera, brought all my art/painting supplies over from the old condo, set up my easel, focusing on some work side projects, and am playing lots of music at home and with my new band. I’m already starting to feel better and excited about the new year and where it’s gonna take me.

More later….thanks for reading.

Finally Growing Up A Little

Again it has been awhile since my last post. So much has changed in so little time it’s crazy.

My First Apartment

It has been so bizarre, new, scary, lonely, and amazing all at the same time. Keep in mind that this is the first time that I’ve had my own place, my own bills, my thoughts, as an adult, since my ex and I got together at 15 years old. I remember the day I was shown this apartment and it felt so weird, like I was finally really closing my last marriage chapter. I felt like I was in someone else’s body living their life. The first few weeks were gnarly, just trying to move in, get it furnished so it didn’t feel like some college dorm…making sure it could feel like a home not only for myself but more importantly for my three sons. All kinds of crazy thoughts were running through my head..will I like this? Am I comfortable? Will my kids like it ok and feel like they can call it a home? If not, what will I do then? It was insane the amount of work I had to do to make all this happen on my own both physically, financially, mentally and emotionally.

But here I am, with my own place, and my kids like it. I now love it. I’m really enjoying my life right now. I’m at a place that I thought I’d never arrive at when all this first started going down. I’ve got so much to learn still about myself but I’m so thankful for what I have.

A Serious Fucking Bender

Ok…so up above I simplified my situation a little as far as how I got to where I’m at mentally. Since I got into this apartment, MANY gnarly changes have occurred..some great..some scary..some not so great. I remember once I got settled into this place back in mid September, when I was done moving in and putting everything away. I was getting anxiety every time I didn’t have the kids because I was super fucking lonely, didn’t know what to do with myself. Some of my darkest shit started creeping up to the surface, stuff that I never really worked out in counseling when I thought I had. My female abandonment issues came back but in a different morphed version. Issues with my father’s violence, guilt for treating my little brother like shit since my dad was like that to me….it all started to kick in heavy.

I had a few days here and there where I would go downtown by myself, smoke weed, drink my fucking guts out, and just walk around crying my eyes out in some parking structure somewhere. I couldn’t believe I was doing that shit. Here I was, grown man, good father of three sons, always been a stable adult, and I was a mess, actually contemplating driving off a cliff at times in a drunken sad ball of fury. How the hell could I feel so out of control all of a sudden? I was so fucking lonely I could die. I was feeling depressed, jealous that my ex had her comfy new man and had someone to go home to when I had the kids, someone to share stuff with, etc. I was hating shit. I couldn’t wait to get my kids back every week to give me some reason to stay alive and have some excuse to at least act like I was happy…cause every time they’d go back with their mom, I had anxiety because I knew the time to be alone with my demons had a approached. Those days were hell. This weekly bender thing went on for at least a month.

Awakening To The Next Phase of Healing

So I started reading some books about divorce and anger and healing ’cause I knew that I really needed to pull my head out of my angry ass sooner than later. I had a great job and 3 sons that needed the best dad they could have, the one they truly deserved. They needed to have a wonderful time while they were with me that was full of love, affection, camaraderie, guidance, structure, and fun. I couldn’t do that for them if I was flailing around like an ass.

I was finding that  while my roots are in Christianity and still are, the practical philosophies and practices in Buddhism were so amazing and simple and actually were in line with my Christianity that I was stoked. It was like everything that I thought was judgmental and awful and twisted about Christianity because of what human beings had done with it here on earth, I could move on from and disregard. I finally found a philosophy that was realistic and logical that would actually allow me to eventually become the spiritual guy I’ve always wanted to be. I first read Dharma Punx, a memoir written by Noah Levine. Based in Santa Cruz, CA, he talked about his childhood as a punk rock kid, with a passion and penchant for music, lots of idealism, angry at the world and all it’s oppressions, doing drugs, starting fights, making excuses for all of his bullshit behavior. Then it goes into his transformation into being essentially a practicing Buddhist on a major level and how he switched to different railroad tracks to serve and love others and appreciate everything around him, being in the moment and at peace. Definitely and excellent read.

Another one I’ve been reading that is awesome and I’m not done with it yet is called Storms Can’t Hurt The Sky, by Gabriel Cohen. It does apply the Buddhist teachings to divorce but it also just covers some generally great concepts in Buddhism that are realistic. One of the things that has helped me in this book is the concept of “Desirous Attachment”. We are notorious as human beings for attaching our happiness to objects or people or beings outside of ourselves. The problem here with that approach is obvious. These things are always fleeting, they always let us down, we have no control over them, and more. This book has really helped me to start to find peace within myself by letting go of the things that I can’t control, the things that aren’t tangible that you can’t hold in your hand – i.e. the past, the future. Those things don’t exist, yet think about how often we spin our wheels in our heads about shit we couldn’t control yesterday and things that we can’t control tomorrow cause tomorrow isn’t even here yet or real?! It’s insane to think about how much time I’ve wasted, how much energy I’ve spent, how much quality time with my children or friends and family that I didn’t allow myself to fully experience because my brain was spun up somewhere else. I get choked up just thinking about it. Anyway…I’ll fold up my soapbox now about that subject. The bottom line is, even if you aren’t getting a divorce, this book has some practical stuff in it that can be applied to just about anything. I hate reading books because I’m so impatient and learn visually and by doing but  it was an easy read for me.

The Here And Now

So here I am. It’s November, almost December. Other than the fact that Nov. 20 would’ve been our 15 year anniversary and I had a little breakdown and some crying/sobbing about that, I’ve been much more stable and just exploring myself and dating a little here and there, nothing too serious on purpose of course. I’m starting to really see the light that I have coming towards me with regards to inner peace, and the desire to start getting back into the things that I love the most: my kids, photography, music, art, and film.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say next month! Thanks for reading. I promise to write up all my latest struggles, lessons I’m learning, and triumphs through all this. I hope that if anything comes of this blog, it’s that someone else going through what I went through sees that their lives are special and unique and that they can make of it whatever they choose to.

Onward!

Metamorphisis

There have been so many changes inside me since my last post. Thanks to all for the continued support as I’ve gone through this crazy shit. A lot of great things have happened to me. My close friends have become closer. I recently got a new job, one that after 13+ years in the same industry is finally what I really want to do, allowing me to do some traveling, which in turn provides me with some time to think and grow as an individual.

The fog of anger, sadness, desperation is finally starting to clear out of my packed, confused, and in many cases immature head. Because we got together so young, while there were parts of me that had to grow up fast to be the bread winner for our family, to be a father, to be a husband, there were parts of me that just never had a chance to grow up. It all kinda hit me a week or so ago. Some of these facets of me just abruptly stopped their development when I was 16 because I was basically married at that point. I spent my 20’s raising children, working a day job, trying to be a husband. Her and I both were trying to be something we were totally ill-equipped to be. I have to say that our kids have turned out great, are full of self-esteem, and communicate their thoughts and feelings with us openly. In some ways they’re more clear headed that I am since they don’t have all the baggage.

The ex and I are becoming increasingly good friends and are working together to deal with selling our condo and getting our lives on track. I know she has no intention of continuing counseling which I think is a mistake for her but that’s not for me to worry about anymore. Furthermore my well being is not for her to worry about as much anymore either. We will make our beds and we will lay in them, just as we did when we got married and had children too young.

There were so many parts of me that were locked away, core parts of me that were normal for my personality, that are positive traits but that were just not compatible with my previous wife, traits that are compatible with other females. I’ve started hanging out with a female that on the surface is a better match for me but I need to be careful with this shit. I remember when the heaviest of strings in my life were detached from my heart, I was in a hurry to reattach them, and if not the ones from my ex, any heavy emotional strings from someone else that I could find as soon as possible. I thought that if I didn’t, I would bleed to death and that those holes would not be able to heal on their own.

I realized that even though I have a self-absorbed personality, I’ve been pretty much looking out for others my whole life. I emotionally shouldered the burden of  my parents divorce to protect myself and my brother. I met my ex in high school, she was co-dependent and quiet and shy so I knew I could protect her from the world and life and took that on. We then had kids and I then was here on this planet to protect them and work too many hours to provide for them, missing out on all the little things that are important in their lives.

Through all this I realized that I had not once taken any time to care for my own heart, figure out who I was, analyze what all my issues were, what kind of mate I’d like to be with, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, what I wanted to do as a career….I just kept going and going, sacrificing myself logistically and emotionally for others, and resenting it in many cases.

As this fog clears, I see there are now so may gaps in who I am as a mate, a father, an individual. I’m now working to fill these gaps through counseling and changing my habits. I now see the kids for half the week and instead of coming home and working some more while they sit around and watch TV, I make sure we go somewhere, anywhere…to the beach, out to eat, to the park…somewhere that we can interact with each other for a few hours and be silly and create smiles and memories that I probably appeared to never be interested in with them before.

We were so young and I had to work to make sure we weren’t poor like I was. I just got stuck in that mindset of making sure I always had work to do so that we’d never be poor and things would always be stable. There was a price that had to be paid for that and in many ways I believe the kids paid that price. I also paid the price for not learning how to smell the roses and losing touch with the ones that were most important to me.

The thing is I can’t beat myself up for that crap. Now is the opportunity for me to switch the railroad tracks, to fill all those gaps inside my psyche and heart that I have as a result of being so young, being a child, rushing into making adult decisions. It’s time to reprogram my relationship with my children so that it’s more connected, in tune and present. It brings me to tears even typing this as I sit on an airplane for a business trip right now. I forgive myself but I think it will always be hard to talk about.

I’ll be starting a weekly meditation class, painting more, playing drums more, doing more photography, reading more books, taking the kids on more trips with just their dad, more than they ever thought we’d do because of who I was before. I’m excited about the canvas that is empty and laid out before me in all facets of my life. I still struggle here and there to see the endless potential still because I spent so many years as a rat in a cage of accountability and responsibility that had no light outside. The door to the cage is wide open but parts of me want to try and close it again cause it’s all I know. Fortunately I have so many people in my life that are encouraging me and keeping me on track, encouraging me to leave the cage and explore.

I’m working hard towards being more centered with everything and everyone around me…..I have so much work to do but I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do so.

More later.