The Holidays, Fuck 2008, Deep Breaths, Welcome 2009

Holidays, My Mom is Amazing

Well I was anticipating something happening inside emotionally during the holidays this year but wasn’t sure what. I’ve been warned by several friends that sometimes the first round of the major holidays after a divorce can be really rough. I got lots of awesome txt msgs from co-workers that know my situation, telling me that I could call them if I needed to. It was awesome of them and I was thankful. I was generally OK for Christmas for a few reasons I think. I had my sons to celebrate with and could find happiness and thankfulness with them. A big lucky bonus for me though was my mom flying up to be here for Christmas in my new apartment, being there for me to talk to, her seeing her son’s first apartment as an adult by himself (remember I was married essentially since I was 16 until last year). It was definitely an emotional ordeal and she was awesome on every level. I can’t express in words how thankful I am for her, her support, understanding, feedback, and life experience. She is selfless is so many ways.

My First “Run In”

I had an interesting experience shopping for my middle son’s birthday gifts the other day. I was heading into Best Buy with my 6 year old and low and behold in front of me were my ex and her dude all cuddly with each other, in arms, etc. They didn’t notice us so I lagged back a little and then went in. My son recognized them and said something to me and I had to respond with something light and positive. I thought I was ready to see that but out of nowhere my blood started to boil at the thought of how quickly she was able to hook up emotionally with this guy literally 2 wks after our separation and now they’re all lovey dovey with each other. Thoughts of extreme violence ran through my head, wanting to hit the fucker in the side of the head with a bat and watch him bleed to death. Thinking back to how I had invited him into my house and cooked for him as a ‘family friend’ before, hooking him up with some shoes from my retail store when my ex had told me he had no money, all while her and I were still married, while they were privately establishing feelings for each other. He even played dumb when I confronted him on hanging out with her alone while we weren’t decided yet on getting a divorce. He said he didn’t know we were having problems and was just being her friend. All those thoughts racing through my head. Here I was with my 6 year old, they’re in the same store with us unknowingly, I’m feeling violent as fuck but putting on an act for my son so that for him we’re just shopping for his brother’s birthday present. It was so hard to maintain my self control. I deserve a gold star for my academy award performance that day. I called her and she came over to my son and I in the store to talk about the birthday presents, etc.

I had to text my ex later and tell her I’m not ready to see that and that it’s best she help keep her man out of my sights for a long while. I was raised by a very intense, emotional, violent father with a vietnam/marine core background…taught to be violently vindictive if I’m disrespected or lied to. I’ve never acted on those impulses my whole life thanks to years of counseling and the fact that I have kids keeping my head on straight. It was just fucked up hard. I haven’t had a challenge like that in a long time. Whenever I start feeling like I have a full grasp on forgiveness and peace, new unexpected situations come around and set me back a few paces. Ugh. It was exhausting to say the least. Trying to let go of that yet *again*.

Girls, Girls, Girls, Not Ready Yet

So the dating/girl thing has been an interesting learning experience. I’ve dated lightly for sex with some. I’ve just hung out with others. I’ve tried a couple relationship-level girls that were really fucking cool but I ran into a snag with that stuff. It’s a mental cluster fuck trying to detach my brain from being in the marriage mindset..not knowing how to just date and keep it light. Recently I had to break up with another girl that was really into me, she was really cool, my ‘type’, the total relationship package….BUT….every time I date girls, it feels great for 2 wks and then all of a sudden I just shut down. I can’t give to the relationship. I’m still tapped out. I talked to my mom about it and she reiterated to me that I most likely need to learn how to have a relationship with myself first. Until that happens, I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. I have to remind myself that there is no timeline. I also have to remind myself of something else that my mom said which is, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I need to learn how to *know* that those two are NOT one in the same. It’s mental and all within my control. So after sadly breaking it off with another really cool girl a couple days ago, hurting her feelings pretty bad, feeling guilty about it, I’ve decided to kill off all online dating accounts, telling every girl that shows interest in me that I want nothing serious right now. Period. I had so much guilt breaking it off with this last girl but my mom said that I wouldn’t be able to come to the conclusion that I NEED to be single for awhile unless I went through and botched some dates/girls, etc. It sucks people have to be hurt through all this but I guess it’s what happens. I have some other friends going through a divorce and they’re doing the same bullshit….so I guess that makes me normal? Whew.

Ready to Make 2009 My Bitch

So throughout November and December of last year I had turned into quite the double personality stoner/drinker. When I had the kids, I was a responsible and sober father figure. The moment they left my house, I’d just go on a bender with weed and drinking. Starting New Year’s Eve, I got rid of the rest of my pot, toned down the drinking and hit the gym again. My creative juices are flowing again. I got a new camera, brought all my art/painting supplies over from the old condo, set up my easel, focusing on some work side projects, and am playing lots of music at home and with my new band. I’m already starting to feel better and excited about the new year and where it’s gonna take me.

More later….thanks for reading.

Big Steps…The Next Chapter is Beginning..

So here I am again on an airplane. It’s a good place to type up blog posts ’cause there’s no job, no ex, no kids, no friends, no distractions. I can just listen to music and get out the next round of information.

The Rebound
I never wanted to be a statistic. I never wanted to be the guy where everyone knew what I was gonna do next, how I was gonna feel, where I was gonna blow it, and worse….knew I’d do what everyone else did when they got divorced…..rebound hard like a motherfucker. In a fucked up hurt panic state I immediately in May started looking online at dating sites and met someone quickly that was actually really fucking cool…within two weeks of all this even starting to go down. All my friends warned me, my counselor warned me..”dude you aren’t ready, you are still so hurt and angry, give yourself some space to digest all of this crazy shit going on in your life.” Being the indignant bastard that I can be, I plunged in deep making commitments to this person, having never known any other mindset other than marriage since my ex and I got together so young. I was pouring on the love to this person so hard that they latched on like any sensitive loving person would. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and was like, ‘oh shit, what have I done?

I’m not ready for anyone right now’…but the damage was done. I had hurt this person bad. Their heart, at least temporarily, became a casualty of my pain from my divorce. I ended that stint but we are still friends and she’s been, even though hurt, extremely understanding. I was so disappointed in myself for doing that to someone and for doing something that was so known to happen. My mom married off the rebound and stayed married for nine years, ending up with another pregnancy and eventually divorce. I’m so glad I thought hard about what she had done and made changes to not fall into that trap…for the sake of this girl I briefly dated, and for the sake of my own well being and growth.

The Demons Not Dealt With
After I left this girl, immediately I uncovered massive amounts of anger that I had not resolved, sadness and depression that I had not healed from enough to pull myself out of the pit of tar like emotional shit that I was stuck in from my ex leaving me. I went back to where I was – looping on crap that I couldn’t control. At that time we hadn’t figured out what we were gonna do with the condo yet and now that I had broken up with that girl, I was on my own to find a place to sleep when I was not sleeping at the condo. Nothing sucks more than being a grown man with 3 kids, begging your friends to sleep on their couch, interrupting their quiet evenings after work when they want to be alone and enjoy their marriage(s). One night I came down with the stomach flu at my friends house in the middle of the night but couldn’t go back to the condo cause it was my ex’s turn to sleep there. I was at an all time low for me – no girl in my life, no place to go without the guilt of disturbing others, puking my brains out in their bathroom at 3AM in someone else’s house. I felt like I had nothing (which wasn’t true but my depression was taking over). I went to a counselor and she asked me a few questions and said it was obvious I was depressed, probably worse than I’ve ever been. I was so sad I had no one by my side and no where to go. I was so sick of living out of a fucking suitcase when I had worked so hard for so many years providing for a family. I was at a point where my happiness in front of the kids became an act. I felt so shitty about that cause it had nothing to do with them…I was just so bummed. The men in my family do NOT like to ask for help from anyone. I was raised by a marine and we always were expected to do shit on our own and never ask for help. That extreme is not healthy but it’s how I was raised..now I was groveling…

The Numbers
This paragraph will seem abrupt from the last one but it ties in. I realized that the main thing stopping me from moving on was this condo I was still having to live in. I needed my own space. I need somewhere to go to be me and to heal, unfettered. We talked to a real estate agent and the amount we owed vs. the amount it was worth in this wonderful housing market right now was looking bleak, like our condo was just gonna fuck with us for the next year. We looked into a short sale, etc and nothing was lining up. We consulted with an attorney and he brought up filing for bankruptcy. We started to really discuss it and it sounds pretty nice. It allowed us to hit the reset button on our finances and all the holes we had dug ourselves into with the condo, etc….all the living beyond our means, and decided it was the best option. I would now be able to save money and find a place for myself…the moment I’ve been needing and waiting for…the light at the end of the tunnel that wasn’t a train coming at me.

I’ve since started moving in, have slept there, gotten some furniture in there that is halfway decent. My next step this weekend is to build out the boys rooms with furniture and some of there personal stuff from the other place so that it can start to feel like a real home for them. We told our 5 year old the situation last weekend and he *seemed* to take it ok the way that we described it to him. We both met with our counselor to make sure we broke him the news. I’m hoping that by October 1st I can have the whole place ready so that I don’t ever have to sleep in that condo again and really start moving on permanently.

New Experiences
So since I’m not going to seriously date anyone right now, I’ve been exposed to the casual dating thing. When a male is in their teens/twenties they’re supposed to date, have sex, figure out what works for them in a woman and what doesn’t. I never did that so I’m kinda playing catch up. I’ve had some encounters that were casual and consentual with other females, etc. Maybe it’s cause I’m in my 30’s but while I have a high sex drive and love adventure, after it happens I feel really empty inside. I really miss being physical with someone I actually love and care about. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend at my brother’s wedding. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal it but afterwards it’s like, while the sex is, by my standards, good, part of me is like….umm..that’s all there is in that life? This is all new territory to me and I’m sure I’ll be able to relax about it and eventually not overanalyze casual encounters and just enjoy them for what they are, it’s just hard to digest for me right now I guess. I feel so under developed in this area emotionally and it’s hard to not feel like I’m an alien. Maybe I just shouldn’t worry about it. It’s such a conflict internally to be geared towards being in a relationship mindset because I was married for so many years but other parts of me are now growing up. It’s like I’m now traversing my late teens, then my early 20’s, then my mid 20’s all in like a 6-12 month period. It kinda scrambles the brain a little bit. The journey is a trip nonetheless…

More later….

Metamorphisis

There have been so many changes inside me since my last post. Thanks to all for the continued support as I’ve gone through this crazy shit. A lot of great things have happened to me. My close friends have become closer. I recently got a new job, one that after 13+ years in the same industry is finally what I really want to do, allowing me to do some traveling, which in turn provides me with some time to think and grow as an individual.

The fog of anger, sadness, desperation is finally starting to clear out of my packed, confused, and in many cases immature head. Because we got together so young, while there were parts of me that had to grow up fast to be the bread winner for our family, to be a father, to be a husband, there were parts of me that just never had a chance to grow up. It all kinda hit me a week or so ago. Some of these facets of me just abruptly stopped their development when I was 16 because I was basically married at that point. I spent my 20’s raising children, working a day job, trying to be a husband. Her and I both were trying to be something we were totally ill-equipped to be. I have to say that our kids have turned out great, are full of self-esteem, and communicate their thoughts and feelings with us openly. In some ways they’re more clear headed that I am since they don’t have all the baggage.

The ex and I are becoming increasingly good friends and are working together to deal with selling our condo and getting our lives on track. I know she has no intention of continuing counseling which I think is a mistake for her but that’s not for me to worry about anymore. Furthermore my well being is not for her to worry about as much anymore either. We will make our beds and we will lay in them, just as we did when we got married and had children too young.

There were so many parts of me that were locked away, core parts of me that were normal for my personality, that are positive traits but that were just not compatible with my previous wife, traits that are compatible with other females. I’ve started hanging out with a female that on the surface is a better match for me but I need to be careful with this shit. I remember when the heaviest of strings in my life were detached from my heart, I was in a hurry to reattach them, and if not the ones from my ex, any heavy emotional strings from someone else that I could find as soon as possible. I thought that if I didn’t, I would bleed to death and that those holes would not be able to heal on their own.

I realized that even though I have a self-absorbed personality, I’ve been pretty much looking out for others my whole life. I emotionally shouldered the burden of  my parents divorce to protect myself and my brother. I met my ex in high school, she was co-dependent and quiet and shy so I knew I could protect her from the world and life and took that on. We then had kids and I then was here on this planet to protect them and work too many hours to provide for them, missing out on all the little things that are important in their lives.

Through all this I realized that I had not once taken any time to care for my own heart, figure out who I was, analyze what all my issues were, what kind of mate I’d like to be with, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, what I wanted to do as a career….I just kept going and going, sacrificing myself logistically and emotionally for others, and resenting it in many cases.

As this fog clears, I see there are now so may gaps in who I am as a mate, a father, an individual. I’m now working to fill these gaps through counseling and changing my habits. I now see the kids for half the week and instead of coming home and working some more while they sit around and watch TV, I make sure we go somewhere, anywhere…to the beach, out to eat, to the park…somewhere that we can interact with each other for a few hours and be silly and create smiles and memories that I probably appeared to never be interested in with them before.

We were so young and I had to work to make sure we weren’t poor like I was. I just got stuck in that mindset of making sure I always had work to do so that we’d never be poor and things would always be stable. There was a price that had to be paid for that and in many ways I believe the kids paid that price. I also paid the price for not learning how to smell the roses and losing touch with the ones that were most important to me.

The thing is I can’t beat myself up for that crap. Now is the opportunity for me to switch the railroad tracks, to fill all those gaps inside my psyche and heart that I have as a result of being so young, being a child, rushing into making adult decisions. It’s time to reprogram my relationship with my children so that it’s more connected, in tune and present. It brings me to tears even typing this as I sit on an airplane for a business trip right now. I forgive myself but I think it will always be hard to talk about.

I’ll be starting a weekly meditation class, painting more, playing drums more, doing more photography, reading more books, taking the kids on more trips with just their dad, more than they ever thought we’d do because of who I was before. I’m excited about the canvas that is empty and laid out before me in all facets of my life. I still struggle here and there to see the endless potential still because I spent so many years as a rat in a cage of accountability and responsibility that had no light outside. The door to the cage is wide open but parts of me want to try and close it again cause it’s all I know. Fortunately I have so many people in my life that are encouraging me and keeping me on track, encouraging me to leave the cage and explore.

I’m working hard towards being more centered with everything and everyone around me…..I have so much work to do but I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do so.

More later.