New Horizons Can Now Be Televised

Recovery Has Begun

It’s been a long gnarly ride this last month or so. I’ve been through so much shit, wading through the tarpits of my childhood, my past, my patterns and how all this tied into my previous marriage, fucked up half of it, and contributed to bringing it to an end.

The most important thing for me here is that even though there was all that grief and pain and misery, I feel stronger than ever right now as an individual, I feel like I have more tools now than I’ve ever had to tackle my next chapters in my life. I’m learning to just enjoy being me for me. I’m learning to enjoy my 3 sons more and all their little moments. Life is starting to feel good.

During my marriage, I had locked away so many things that were core parts of me because they were incompatible with my wife. These were things that were important for me to express and use and share with people. I had shut all that down for years and it turned me into this moody pseudo-depressed weirdo. It turned me into everything I hate about my dad. I love my dad and he has many great qualities but he’s just a downer. I was headed in that direction. I’m so glad I’m not now.

Through this process, my relationship with my sons, my mom, and my close friends, have all gotten even closer. Most importantly during these tough times, with God’s help, my relationship with myself has begun the process of building and assembling. I’m a super social guy and normally idle time with no one around me fucks with my head. I’m now starting to embrace time alone, reading a book, listening to music, doing more photography and art, thinking about things more methodically and a couple times through before executing on a plan. I’ve been reading the Bible a lot as well as some amazing translations of some Buddhist passages. There are so many peaceful introspective parallels between both paths.

Something New

So I met a new female friend. We’re just friends. There’s no dating or sex or any of that right now. We’re just hanging out and talking about life. She has turned me on to a meditation retreat at spiritrock.com. You basically go there and sit for hours in total silence so that you can clear your head from work and everything else. I really want do this and I’m afraid at the same time. I heard that some gnarly stuff comes up in your mind as time passes with no audio or visual stimulation. Layers of your daily life spin around and eventually fall off of your mind, making way for other stuff that sits deeper down below. Being someone that is accustomed to needing constant external stimulation, this exercise will be the opposite of anything that is me, which is why it excites and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Surfing The Couches

During this month while we figure out how to sell our condo, we won’t be paying for another ‘cabin’ type thing so I’ll be couch surfing on and off for a little bit. A few weeks ago it would’ve bothered me but I’m looking at it as part of my self-development during this transition. I’ll be meeting new people along the way, catching up with old friends when I crash at their house, etc. I’m looking forward to it now. The dynamic environment changes will be really great for me I think.

I’m off to go hang with my sons for a little bit, work a little bit, hit the gym, take some pictures, and then maybe visit a friend later.

Until the next post…:-)

The Format Of This Blog Is Now Changing

So as I turn the corner from the initial shakedown of all this and move into self-discovery mode,  I will be posting only a couple times a week as opposed to every day. Posting every day was getting me through the minutiae of the last phase I was going through when all this started. It was a place to vent, rant, work through my thoughts by writing them out. I’m starting to move past that now and am focusing on myself, going through some self-actualization, traversing mental landscapes inside myself that I had locked away for so long, starting the journey of figuring out who I really am since I never had a chance to do so for the last 15 years.

I’m starting to meet new people now outside of my normal grind and am experiencing new things about myself already. We have a lot to work through on the logistical front for the divorce and we are going to tell the kids after school gets out so we don’t ruin the rest of the school year for them.

Balancing My Head vs. My Heart

I’m working on some key stuff from counseling right now that is really great. One of my first issues is that as an extrovert, I’ve always just splattered my stuff against a wall for everyone to see and look at, wearing my heart on my sleeve at all times, I feel it and say it out loud, my nerve endings on the outside of my body. My next step with this is to learn how to be more selective with the things I talk about, balancing out my head vs. my heart when I think through stuff, learning how to have things for myself that are mine so that I can break the habit of feeling like everything I have going on mentally/emotionally fun and otherwise, I need to share it with everyone. While I’m not planning on bottling anything up, I just need to learn that my heart, my brain are mine and that I can spend some time in my head figuring things out at a slower pace. For the longest time, out of neediness, my own co-dependency, my own insecurities, I’ve always felt secure only if I’m engaging everyone in my own chaos and shit. It’s time to re-evaluate that and it’s time to stop.

I’m gonna head off to do some photography and bbq with some friends. More to come later.

May 23, 2008: Good Day, Keep It Simple

After work today I was able to go downtown, get a haircut, grab a beer, have a salad, and just walk around for a little bit. I took a walk on the beach to unwind. While there’s still so much to do and work through logistically and work through with the kids, I feel like it’s more manageable now since my head isn’t all fucked up.

I can feel my heart wanting to regress and start spinning on the pain again but I’m getting better about pulling myself out of it whereas before I felt like I was drowning in it. I got home and was able to relax with my sons and then my ex went out.

Yesterday my counselor said that right now, since we’re still in this condo, we aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s more like ‘playing divorce’. I agree with that. That is why it’s still hard sometimes for me because we don’t have our separate lives yet. It’s hard to start building on myself as an individual when we still have this condo because it’s covered in our ‘old lives’. It’s difficult to envision my ‘new life’ right now. This situation doesn’t seem to bother my ex as it does me as she has already moved on emotionally/mentally. She is excited about her future and thinking about nothing else. I think she still is in a la la land a little bit but it is what it is.

There’s still lots to do and hopefully we can move on quickly this summer.