Finally Growing Up A Little

Again it has been awhile since my last post. So much has changed in so little time it’s crazy.

My First Apartment

It has been so bizarre, new, scary, lonely, and amazing all at the same time. Keep in mind that this is the first time that I’ve had my own place, my own bills, my thoughts, as an adult, since my ex and I got together at 15 years old. I remember the day I was shown this apartment and it felt so weird, like I was finally really closing my last marriage chapter. I felt like I was in someone else’s body living their life. The first few weeks were gnarly, just trying to move in, get it furnished so it didn’t feel like some college dorm…making sure it could feel like a home not only for myself but more importantly for my three sons. All kinds of crazy thoughts were running through my head..will I like this? Am I comfortable? Will my kids like it ok and feel like they can call it a home? If not, what will I do then? It was insane the amount of work I had to do to make all this happen on my own both physically, financially, mentally and emotionally.

But here I am, with my own place, and my kids like it. I now love it. I’m really enjoying my life right now. I’m at a place that I thought I’d never arrive at when all this first started going down. I’ve got so much to learn still about myself but I’m so thankful for what I have.

A Serious Fucking Bender

Ok…so up above I simplified my situation a little as far as how I got to where I’m at mentally. Since I got into this apartment, MANY gnarly changes have occurred..some great..some scary..some not so great. I remember once I got settled into this place back in mid September, when I was done moving in and putting everything away. I was getting anxiety every time I didn’t have the kids because I was super fucking lonely, didn’t know what to do with myself. Some of my darkest shit started creeping up to the surface, stuff that I never really worked out in counseling when I thought I had. My female abandonment issues came back but in a different morphed version. Issues with my father’s violence, guilt for treating my little brother like shit since my dad was like that to me….it all started to kick in heavy.

I had a few days here and there where I would go downtown by myself, smoke weed, drink my fucking guts out, and just walk around crying my eyes out in some parking structure somewhere. I couldn’t believe I was doing that shit. Here I was, grown man, good father of three sons, always been a stable adult, and I was a mess, actually contemplating driving off a cliff at times in a drunken sad ball of fury. How the hell could I feel so out of control all of a sudden? I was so fucking lonely I could die. I was feeling depressed, jealous that my ex had her comfy new man and had someone to go home to when I had the kids, someone to share stuff with, etc. I was hating shit. I couldn’t wait to get my kids back every week to give me some reason to stay alive and have some excuse to at least act like I was happy…cause every time they’d go back with their mom, I had anxiety because I knew the time to be alone with my demons had a approached. Those days were hell. This weekly bender thing went on for at least a month.

Awakening To The Next Phase of Healing

So I started reading some books about divorce and anger and healing ’cause I knew that I really needed to pull my head out of my angry ass sooner than later. I had a great job and 3 sons that needed the best dad they could have, the one they truly deserved. They needed to have a wonderful time while they were with me that was full of love, affection, camaraderie, guidance, structure, and fun. I couldn’t do that for them if I was flailing around like an ass.

I was finding that  while my roots are in Christianity and still are, the practical philosophies and practices in Buddhism were so amazing and simple and actually were in line with my Christianity that I was stoked. It was like everything that I thought was judgmental and awful and twisted about Christianity because of what human beings had done with it here on earth, I could move on from and disregard. I finally found a philosophy that was realistic and logical that would actually allow me to eventually become the spiritual guy I’ve always wanted to be. I first read Dharma Punx, a memoir written by Noah Levine. Based in Santa Cruz, CA, he talked about his childhood as a punk rock kid, with a passion and penchant for music, lots of idealism, angry at the world and all it’s oppressions, doing drugs, starting fights, making excuses for all of his bullshit behavior. Then it goes into his transformation into being essentially a practicing Buddhist on a major level and how he switched to different railroad tracks to serve and love others and appreciate everything around him, being in the moment and at peace. Definitely and excellent read.

Another one I’ve been reading that is awesome and I’m not done with it yet is called Storms Can’t Hurt The Sky, by Gabriel Cohen. It does apply the Buddhist teachings to divorce but it also just covers some generally great concepts in Buddhism that are realistic. One of the things that has helped me in this book is the concept of “Desirous Attachment”. We are notorious as human beings for attaching our happiness to objects or people or beings outside of ourselves. The problem here with that approach is obvious. These things are always fleeting, they always let us down, we have no control over them, and more. This book has really helped me to start to find peace within myself by letting go of the things that I can’t control, the things that aren’t tangible that you can’t hold in your hand – i.e. the past, the future. Those things don’t exist, yet think about how often we spin our wheels in our heads about shit we couldn’t control yesterday and things that we can’t control tomorrow cause tomorrow isn’t even here yet or real?! It’s insane to think about how much time I’ve wasted, how much energy I’ve spent, how much quality time with my children or friends and family that I didn’t allow myself to fully experience because my brain was spun up somewhere else. I get choked up just thinking about it. Anyway…I’ll fold up my soapbox now about that subject. The bottom line is, even if you aren’t getting a divorce, this book has some practical stuff in it that can be applied to just about anything. I hate reading books because I’m so impatient and learn visually and by doing but  it was an easy read for me.

The Here And Now

So here I am. It’s November, almost December. Other than the fact that Nov. 20 would’ve been our 15 year anniversary and I had a little breakdown and some crying/sobbing about that, I’ve been much more stable and just exploring myself and dating a little here and there, nothing too serious on purpose of course. I’m starting to really see the light that I have coming towards me with regards to inner peace, and the desire to start getting back into the things that I love the most: my kids, photography, music, art, and film.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say next month! Thanks for reading. I promise to write up all my latest struggles, lessons I’m learning, and triumphs through all this. I hope that if anything comes of this blog, it’s that someone else going through what I went through sees that their lives are special and unique and that they can make of it whatever they choose to.

Onward!

Another Huge Step

So last Saturday was indeed one of the most intense days I’ve had in a long time. We had scheduled to tell our older sons, 11 and 12, that we were getting divorced. I’ve felt sick about it for a couple weeks. While I knew this divorce was gonna be one that was not chaotic and malicious and fucked up, I still had flashbacks to my own parents divorce, which was shitty. They yelled at each other, my mom just straight up bailed, my dad had women coming in and out of the house that were sort of bonding with us. I had to remind myself that my divorce was most likely gonna be nothing like my own parents divorce.

We took them to a secluded beach and basically just laid it out to them. My ex was the one to initially tell them and I started filling in the gaps with more information. Both of them broke down in front of us, which we expected, and she and I did as well. It was really hard and rough for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, they gathered themselves up and asked us more questions about the logistics, etc. Once we clarified with them that the only major difference was that we’d have two differences places to live between us, that we’d have to do some schedule juggling, but that their schools/friends/support/their parents involvement, will all stay the same.

The kids have some good long vacations and breaks away from all this with my mom, etc. so that’ll allow us to work through the logistical stuff and selling our house, dealing with clean up, and more.

More to come on this front….

New Horizons Can Now Be Televised

Recovery Has Begun

It’s been a long gnarly ride this last month or so. I’ve been through so much shit, wading through the tarpits of my childhood, my past, my patterns and how all this tied into my previous marriage, fucked up half of it, and contributed to bringing it to an end.

The most important thing for me here is that even though there was all that grief and pain and misery, I feel stronger than ever right now as an individual, I feel like I have more tools now than I’ve ever had to tackle my next chapters in my life. I’m learning to just enjoy being me for me. I’m learning to enjoy my 3 sons more and all their little moments. Life is starting to feel good.

During my marriage, I had locked away so many things that were core parts of me because they were incompatible with my wife. These were things that were important for me to express and use and share with people. I had shut all that down for years and it turned me into this moody pseudo-depressed weirdo. It turned me into everything I hate about my dad. I love my dad and he has many great qualities but he’s just a downer. I was headed in that direction. I’m so glad I’m not now.

Through this process, my relationship with my sons, my mom, and my close friends, have all gotten even closer. Most importantly during these tough times, with God’s help, my relationship with myself has begun the process of building and assembling. I’m a super social guy and normally idle time with no one around me fucks with my head. I’m now starting to embrace time alone, reading a book, listening to music, doing more photography and art, thinking about things more methodically and a couple times through before executing on a plan. I’ve been reading the Bible a lot as well as some amazing translations of some Buddhist passages. There are so many peaceful introspective parallels between both paths.

Something New

So I met a new female friend. We’re just friends. There’s no dating or sex or any of that right now. We’re just hanging out and talking about life. She has turned me on to a meditation retreat at spiritrock.com. You basically go there and sit for hours in total silence so that you can clear your head from work and everything else. I really want do this and I’m afraid at the same time. I heard that some gnarly stuff comes up in your mind as time passes with no audio or visual stimulation. Layers of your daily life spin around and eventually fall off of your mind, making way for other stuff that sits deeper down below. Being someone that is accustomed to needing constant external stimulation, this exercise will be the opposite of anything that is me, which is why it excites and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Surfing The Couches

During this month while we figure out how to sell our condo, we won’t be paying for another ‘cabin’ type thing so I’ll be couch surfing on and off for a little bit. A few weeks ago it would’ve bothered me but I’m looking at it as part of my self-development during this transition. I’ll be meeting new people along the way, catching up with old friends when I crash at their house, etc. I’m looking forward to it now. The dynamic environment changes will be really great for me I think.

I’m off to go hang with my sons for a little bit, work a little bit, hit the gym, take some pictures, and then maybe visit a friend later.

Until the next post…:-)