The Format Of This Blog Is Now Changing

So as I turn the corner from the initial shakedown of all this and move into self-discovery mode,  I will be posting only a couple times a week as opposed to every day. Posting every day was getting me through the minutiae of the last phase I was going through when all this started. It was a place to vent, rant, work through my thoughts by writing them out. I’m starting to move past that now and am focusing on myself, going through some self-actualization, traversing mental landscapes inside myself that I had locked away for so long, starting the journey of figuring out who I really am since I never had a chance to do so for the last 15 years.

I’m starting to meet new people now outside of my normal grind and am experiencing new things about myself already. We have a lot to work through on the logistical front for the divorce and we are going to tell the kids after school gets out so we don’t ruin the rest of the school year for them.

Balancing My Head vs. My Heart

I’m working on some key stuff from counseling right now that is really great. One of my first issues is that as an extrovert, I’ve always just splattered my stuff against a wall for everyone to see and look at, wearing my heart on my sleeve at all times, I feel it and say it out loud, my nerve endings on the outside of my body. My next step with this is to learn how to be more selective with the things I talk about, balancing out my head vs. my heart when I think through stuff, learning how to have things for myself that are mine so that I can break the habit of feeling like everything I have going on mentally/emotionally fun and otherwise, I need to share it with everyone. While I’m not planning on bottling anything up, I just need to learn that my heart, my brain are mine and that I can spend some time in my head figuring things out at a slower pace. For the longest time, out of neediness, my own co-dependency, my own insecurities, I’ve always felt secure only if I’m engaging everyone in my own chaos and shit. It’s time to re-evaluate that and it’s time to stop.

I’m gonna head off to do some photography and bbq with some friends. More to come later.

May 23, 2008: Good Day, Keep It Simple

After work today I was able to go downtown, get a haircut, grab a beer, have a salad, and just walk around for a little bit. I took a walk on the beach to unwind. While there’s still so much to do and work through logistically and work through with the kids, I feel like it’s more manageable now since my head isn’t all fucked up.

I can feel my heart wanting to regress and start spinning on the pain again but I’m getting better about pulling myself out of it whereas before I felt like I was drowning in it. I got home and was able to relax with my sons and then my ex went out.

Yesterday my counselor said that right now, since we’re still in this condo, we aren’t truly divorced yet. It’s more like ‘playing divorce’. I agree with that. That is why it’s still hard sometimes for me because we don’t have our separate lives yet. It’s hard to start building on myself as an individual when we still have this condo because it’s covered in our ‘old lives’. It’s difficult to envision my ‘new life’ right now. This situation doesn’t seem to bother my ex as it does me as she has already moved on emotionally/mentally. She is excited about her future and thinking about nothing else. I think she still is in a la la land a little bit but it is what it is.

There’s still lots to do and hopefully we can move on quickly this summer.

May 22, 2008: Every Day is Now Better Than The Last

I’m moving into a new phase now. I don’t have much to say about today.

I had an individual counseling session and we spent most of time just discussing how we’re gonna tell our kids on Sunday and the things that will come up for me as an individual as I learn about myself.

The pain is now starting to subside, I’m healing for sure, I anticipate other weird feelings but my friendship with the ex is already getting more communicative and peaceful in a more genuine sort of way. I’m trying to just focus on that and the kids.

I’m able to focus at work now MUCH better, I’m staying on track with exercise and good eating and my appetite is finally starting to come back, which is a good sign for me. I’m not feeling so angry and resentful anymore. I’m also starting to line up some activities for myself that I enjoy doing, day trips, photography, playing drums again, and regrouping with some old friends I’ve met throughout my career to get my feet back on the ground and out of the tar pit of grief. How’s that for a run-on sentence?

More tomorrow.