Big Steps…The Next Chapter is Beginning..

So here I am again on an airplane. It’s a good place to type up blog posts ’cause there’s no job, no ex, no kids, no friends, no distractions. I can just listen to music and get out the next round of information.

The Rebound
I never wanted to be a statistic. I never wanted to be the guy where everyone knew what I was gonna do next, how I was gonna feel, where I was gonna blow it, and worse….knew I’d do what everyone else did when they got divorced…..rebound hard like a motherfucker. In a fucked up hurt panic state I immediately in May started looking online at dating sites and met someone quickly that was actually really fucking cool…within two weeks of all this even starting to go down. All my friends warned me, my counselor warned me..”dude you aren’t ready, you are still so hurt and angry, give yourself some space to digest all of this crazy shit going on in your life.” Being the indignant bastard that I can be, I plunged in deep making commitments to this person, having never known any other mindset other than marriage since my ex and I got together so young. I was pouring on the love to this person so hard that they latched on like any sensitive loving person would. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and was like, ‘oh shit, what have I done?

I’m not ready for anyone right now’…but the damage was done. I had hurt this person bad. Their heart, at least temporarily, became a casualty of my pain from my divorce. I ended that stint but we are still friends and she’s been, even though hurt, extremely understanding. I was so disappointed in myself for doing that to someone and for doing something that was so known to happen. My mom married off the rebound and stayed married for nine years, ending up with another pregnancy and eventually divorce. I’m so glad I thought hard about what she had done and made changes to not fall into that trap…for the sake of this girl I briefly dated, and for the sake of my own well being and growth.

The Demons Not Dealt With
After I left this girl, immediately I uncovered massive amounts of anger that I had not resolved, sadness and depression that I had not healed from enough to pull myself out of the pit of tar like emotional shit that I was stuck in from my ex leaving me. I went back to where I was – looping on crap that I couldn’t control. At that time we hadn’t figured out what we were gonna do with the condo yet and now that I had broken up with that girl, I was on my own to find a place to sleep when I was not sleeping at the condo. Nothing sucks more than being a grown man with 3 kids, begging your friends to sleep on their couch, interrupting their quiet evenings after work when they want to be alone and enjoy their marriage(s). One night I came down with the stomach flu at my friends house in the middle of the night but couldn’t go back to the condo cause it was my ex’s turn to sleep there. I was at an all time low for me – no girl in my life, no place to go without the guilt of disturbing others, puking my brains out in their bathroom at 3AM in someone else’s house. I felt like I had nothing (which wasn’t true but my depression was taking over). I went to a counselor and she asked me a few questions and said it was obvious I was depressed, probably worse than I’ve ever been. I was so sad I had no one by my side and no where to go. I was so sick of living out of a fucking suitcase when I had worked so hard for so many years providing for a family. I was at a point where my happiness in front of the kids became an act. I felt so shitty about that cause it had nothing to do with them…I was just so bummed. The men in my family do NOT like to ask for help from anyone. I was raised by a marine and we always were expected to do shit on our own and never ask for help. That extreme is not healthy but it’s how I was raised..now I was groveling…

The Numbers
This paragraph will seem abrupt from the last one but it ties in. I realized that the main thing stopping me from moving on was this condo I was still having to live in. I needed my own space. I need somewhere to go to be me and to heal, unfettered. We talked to a real estate agent and the amount we owed vs. the amount it was worth in this wonderful housing market right now was looking bleak, like our condo was just gonna fuck with us for the next year. We looked into a short sale, etc and nothing was lining up. We consulted with an attorney and he brought up filing for bankruptcy. We started to really discuss it and it sounds pretty nice. It allowed us to hit the reset button on our finances and all the holes we had dug ourselves into with the condo, etc….all the living beyond our means, and decided it was the best option. I would now be able to save money and find a place for myself…the moment I’ve been needing and waiting for…the light at the end of the tunnel that wasn’t a train coming at me.

I’ve since started moving in, have slept there, gotten some furniture in there that is halfway decent. My next step this weekend is to build out the boys rooms with furniture and some of there personal stuff from the other place so that it can start to feel like a real home for them. We told our 5 year old the situation last weekend and he *seemed* to take it ok the way that we described it to him. We both met with our counselor to make sure we broke him the news. I’m hoping that by October 1st I can have the whole place ready so that I don’t ever have to sleep in that condo again and really start moving on permanently.

New Experiences
So since I’m not going to seriously date anyone right now, I’ve been exposed to the casual dating thing. When a male is in their teens/twenties they’re supposed to date, have sex, figure out what works for them in a woman and what doesn’t. I never did that so I’m kinda playing catch up. I’ve had some encounters that were casual and consentual with other females, etc. Maybe it’s cause I’m in my 30’s but while I have a high sex drive and love adventure, after it happens I feel really empty inside. I really miss being physical with someone I actually love and care about. It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend at my brother’s wedding. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal it but afterwards it’s like, while the sex is, by my standards, good, part of me is like….umm..that’s all there is in that life? This is all new territory to me and I’m sure I’ll be able to relax about it and eventually not overanalyze casual encounters and just enjoy them for what they are, it’s just hard to digest for me right now I guess. I feel so under developed in this area emotionally and it’s hard to not feel like I’m an alien. Maybe I just shouldn’t worry about it. It’s such a conflict internally to be geared towards being in a relationship mindset because I was married for so many years but other parts of me are now growing up. It’s like I’m now traversing my late teens, then my early 20’s, then my mid 20’s all in like a 6-12 month period. It kinda scrambles the brain a little bit. The journey is a trip nonetheless…

More later….

New Horizons Can Now Be Televised

Recovery Has Begun

It’s been a long gnarly ride this last month or so. I’ve been through so much shit, wading through the tarpits of my childhood, my past, my patterns and how all this tied into my previous marriage, fucked up half of it, and contributed to bringing it to an end.

The most important thing for me here is that even though there was all that grief and pain and misery, I feel stronger than ever right now as an individual, I feel like I have more tools now than I’ve ever had to tackle my next chapters in my life. I’m learning to just enjoy being me for me. I’m learning to enjoy my 3 sons more and all their little moments. Life is starting to feel good.

During my marriage, I had locked away so many things that were core parts of me because they were incompatible with my wife. These were things that were important for me to express and use and share with people. I had shut all that down for years and it turned me into this moody pseudo-depressed weirdo. It turned me into everything I hate about my dad. I love my dad and he has many great qualities but he’s just a downer. I was headed in that direction. I’m so glad I’m not now.

Through this process, my relationship with my sons, my mom, and my close friends, have all gotten even closer. Most importantly during these tough times, with God’s help, my relationship with myself has begun the process of building and assembling. I’m a super social guy and normally idle time with no one around me fucks with my head. I’m now starting to embrace time alone, reading a book, listening to music, doing more photography and art, thinking about things more methodically and a couple times through before executing on a plan. I’ve been reading the Bible a lot as well as some amazing translations of some Buddhist passages. There are so many peaceful introspective parallels between both paths.

Something New

So I met a new female friend. We’re just friends. There’s no dating or sex or any of that right now. We’re just hanging out and talking about life. She has turned me on to a meditation retreat at spiritrock.com. You basically go there and sit for hours in total silence so that you can clear your head from work and everything else. I really want do this and I’m afraid at the same time. I heard that some gnarly stuff comes up in your mind as time passes with no audio or visual stimulation. Layers of your daily life spin around and eventually fall off of your mind, making way for other stuff that sits deeper down below. Being someone that is accustomed to needing constant external stimulation, this exercise will be the opposite of anything that is me, which is why it excites and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Surfing The Couches

During this month while we figure out how to sell our condo, we won’t be paying for another ‘cabin’ type thing so I’ll be couch surfing on and off for a little bit. A few weeks ago it would’ve bothered me but I’m looking at it as part of my self-development during this transition. I’ll be meeting new people along the way, catching up with old friends when I crash at their house, etc. I’m looking forward to it now. The dynamic environment changes will be really great for me I think.

I’m off to go hang with my sons for a little bit, work a little bit, hit the gym, take some pictures, and then maybe visit a friend later.

Until the next post…:-)

May 18, 2008: Last Day With Mom

Today I fly back to home. I’ve had an amazing trip visiting with my family. It was good to go take a break from all the crap.

The Process Begins

I have a little bit of a pit in my stomach about going back because now all the work begins to plan our new lives. It’s gonna be expensive, emotional for me, and hectic to do while we have to maintain our daily lives. While I’m embracing us moving on from our marriage, I’m still not totally convinced that she is clear headed but maybe because we were together for so long, she’s gonna need this trial by fire to figure out who she is as a person. I’m happy for her growth and look forward to us having a more up front relationship as friends but I’m not convinced yet that she doesn’t have a ’special someone’ waiting in the wings and that she’s keeping her eye on that prize/fantasy, and protecting it.

At this point though that stuff doesn’t even matter and learning and accepting that is the work I have to do to start detaching myself from the past and growing personally. Unfortunately, with all the stuff we now have to take care of this summer to start our new lives, it’s gonna be at least a couple months before we can truly start the new path and have our own places. I can’t begin the healing process until that happens.

She already *appears* to be happy and moved on but I think that will change a couple months into this, once she starts working (which will be a lot because our area is expensive), if she ends up dating this guy from the martial arts studio right away (I have feeling she will), it’ll be very clear to me where her head is at. Frankly, I want no part of that. If she starts dating him right away, I don’t want to know about it, what she’s doing, when, why, etc. It’ll distract me from working on myself and won’t be healthy. I’m not in a space yet where I’m ready to hear about her new relationships and feel ok about it.

I started a divorce checklist and sent it to her and stated that I really want things to be mellow and smooth for the kids. The interesting thing is that her response is very direct, wordy, and responsive. She’s extremely motivated to make this divorce happen and with the most amazing attitude. I’m happy about that for the sake of the situation, but as someone who does care about her as a friend, I question the fact I haven’t seen any grieving or sadness or real emotion from her about this whole thing. She’s a very emotional person and this is just one of a few red flags there that stick out to me for her sake. That’s the only reason I think she has her eye on a prize right now and *nothing* is gonna get in her way. If I find later I’m full of shit with what I just said, I’m cool with that. It just feels like something is on the rebound.

Even after 15 years of our marriage and going through all this, I have no desire to date right now. I have no one or want to have anyone in the wings. I need to just work on me for now. I hope she’s truly focusing on the same.

Heading Home Shortly

I’ll be hopping on a plane shortly to head back and start facing all this. I had a sit down with my uncles, cousins and grandparents explaining the situation as well. Of course they’re all very understanding and sad but have my back 200%.

Tonight we have our first meeting to discuss the plan/details moving forward. I have anxiety about it but also look forward to it so that I can start working on a game plan. I’m just scared of what emotions it will bring up. I really want to stay calm through this as much as possible. My wife is still overly bubbly and jovial about this stuff and it’s burning me a little. I think I need to tell her that this is, as I mentioned before, not a happy time for me, I’m ready to do business with her on this divorce but I’m not ready to be good friends yet. I haven’t had time to heal from this.

My mom said that when she went through her divorce, it took them a few months to be able to be friends. I think for me it will take at least that.

End Of The Day

Well it’s been interesting since I got back. I stopped by a friends house for her birthday and hung out to unwind. It was nice.

The wife and I had our first meeting today and it went fairly well. I had to break the news to her that I’m not in the phase where I’m capable of being her friend right now. I told her I intend to be good friends with her at some point, but it’s too early for that. I’m still in the healing/recovery phase of this so I’m not liking her very much right now. That’s just how it is. It kinda caught her off guard.

Anyway….I’m happy with the breakdown. She appears to want to be as reasonable as me with little negativity.

Now off to bed…