The Holidays, Fuck 2008, Deep Breaths, Welcome 2009

Holidays, My Mom is Amazing

Well I was anticipating something happening inside emotionally during the holidays this year but wasn’t sure what. I’ve been warned by several friends that sometimes the first round of the major holidays after a divorce can be really rough. I got lots of awesome txt msgs from co-workers that know my situation, telling me that I could call them if I needed to. It was awesome of them and I was thankful. I was generally OK for Christmas for a few reasons I think. I had my sons to celebrate with and could find happiness and thankfulness with them. A big lucky bonus for me though was my mom flying up to be here for Christmas in my new apartment, being there for me to talk to, her seeing her son’s first apartment as an adult by himself (remember I was married essentially since I was 16 until last year). It was definitely an emotional ordeal and she was awesome on every level. I can’t express in words how thankful I am for her, her support, understanding, feedback, and life experience. She is selfless is so many ways.

My First “Run In”

I had an interesting experience shopping for my middle son’s birthday gifts the other day. I was heading into Best Buy with my 6 year old and low and behold in front of me were my ex and her dude all cuddly with each other, in arms, etc. They didn’t notice us so I lagged back a little and then went in. My son recognized them and said something to me and I had to respond with something light and positive. I thought I was ready to see that but out of nowhere my blood started to boil at the thought of how quickly she was able to hook up emotionally with this guy literally 2 wks after our separation and now they’re all lovey dovey with each other. Thoughts of extreme violence ran through my head, wanting to hit the fucker in the side of the head with a bat and watch him bleed to death. Thinking back to how I had invited him into my house and cooked for him as a ‘family friend’ before, hooking him up with some shoes from my retail store when my ex had told me he had no money, all while her and I were still married, while they were privately establishing feelings for each other. He even played dumb when I confronted him on hanging out with her alone while we weren’t decided yet on getting a divorce. He said he didn’t know we were having problems and was just being her friend. All those thoughts racing through my head. Here I was with my 6 year old, they’re in the same store with us unknowingly, I’m feeling violent as fuck but putting on an act for my son so that for him we’re just shopping for his brother’s birthday present. It was so hard to maintain my self control. I deserve a gold star for my academy award performance that day. I called her and she came over to my son and I in the store to talk about the birthday presents, etc.

I had to text my ex later and tell her I’m not ready to see that and that it’s best she help keep her man out of my sights for a long while. I was raised by a very intense, emotional, violent father with a vietnam/marine core background…taught to be violently vindictive if I’m disrespected or lied to. I’ve never acted on those impulses my whole life thanks to years of counseling and the fact that I have kids keeping my head on straight. It was just fucked up hard. I haven’t had a challenge like that in a long time. Whenever I start feeling like I have a full grasp on forgiveness and peace, new unexpected situations come around and set me back a few paces. Ugh. It was exhausting to say the least. Trying to let go of that yet *again*.

Girls, Girls, Girls, Not Ready Yet

So the dating/girl thing has been an interesting learning experience. I’ve dated lightly for sex with some. I’ve just hung out with others. I’ve tried a couple relationship-level girls that were really fucking cool but I ran into a snag with that stuff. It’s a mental cluster fuck trying to detach my brain from being in the marriage mindset..not knowing how to just date and keep it light. Recently I had to break up with another girl that was really into me, she was really cool, my ‘type’, the total relationship package….BUT….every time I date girls, it feels great for 2 wks and then all of a sudden I just shut down. I can’t give to the relationship. I’m still tapped out. I talked to my mom about it and she reiterated to me that I most likely need to learn how to have a relationship with myself first. Until that happens, I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. I have to remind myself that there is no timeline. I also have to remind myself of something else that my mom said which is, there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I need to learn how to *know* that those two are NOT one in the same. It’s mental and all within my control. So after sadly breaking it off with another really cool girl a couple days ago, hurting her feelings pretty bad, feeling guilty about it, I’ve decided to kill off all online dating accounts, telling every girl that shows interest in me that I want nothing serious right now. Period. I had so much guilt breaking it off with this last girl but my mom said that I wouldn’t be able to come to the conclusion that I NEED to be single for awhile unless I went through and botched some dates/girls, etc. It sucks people have to be hurt through all this but I guess it’s what happens. I have some other friends going through a divorce and they’re doing the same bullshit….so I guess that makes me normal? Whew.

Ready to Make 2009 My Bitch

So throughout November and December of last year I had turned into quite the double personality stoner/drinker. When I had the kids, I was a responsible and sober father figure. The moment they left my house, I’d just go on a bender with weed and drinking. Starting New Year’s Eve, I got rid of the rest of my pot, toned down the drinking and hit the gym again. My creative juices are flowing again. I got a new camera, brought all my art/painting supplies over from the old condo, set up my easel, focusing on some work side projects, and am playing lots of music at home and with my new band. I’m already starting to feel better and excited about the new year and where it’s gonna take me.

More later….thanks for reading.

Metamorphisis

There have been so many changes inside me since my last post. Thanks to all for the continued support as I’ve gone through this crazy shit. A lot of great things have happened to me. My close friends have become closer. I recently got a new job, one that after 13+ years in the same industry is finally what I really want to do, allowing me to do some traveling, which in turn provides me with some time to think and grow as an individual.

The fog of anger, sadness, desperation is finally starting to clear out of my packed, confused, and in many cases immature head. Because we got together so young, while there were parts of me that had to grow up fast to be the bread winner for our family, to be a father, to be a husband, there were parts of me that just never had a chance to grow up. It all kinda hit me a week or so ago. Some of these facets of me just abruptly stopped their development when I was 16 because I was basically married at that point. I spent my 20’s raising children, working a day job, trying to be a husband. Her and I both were trying to be something we were totally ill-equipped to be. I have to say that our kids have turned out great, are full of self-esteem, and communicate their thoughts and feelings with us openly. In some ways they’re more clear headed that I am since they don’t have all the baggage.

The ex and I are becoming increasingly good friends and are working together to deal with selling our condo and getting our lives on track. I know she has no intention of continuing counseling which I think is a mistake for her but that’s not for me to worry about anymore. Furthermore my well being is not for her to worry about as much anymore either. We will make our beds and we will lay in them, just as we did when we got married and had children too young.

There were so many parts of me that were locked away, core parts of me that were normal for my personality, that are positive traits but that were just not compatible with my previous wife, traits that are compatible with other females. I’ve started hanging out with a female that on the surface is a better match for me but I need to be careful with this shit. I remember when the heaviest of strings in my life were detached from my heart, I was in a hurry to reattach them, and if not the ones from my ex, any heavy emotional strings from someone else that I could find as soon as possible. I thought that if I didn’t, I would bleed to death and that those holes would not be able to heal on their own.

I realized that even though I have a self-absorbed personality, I’ve been pretty much looking out for others my whole life. I emotionally shouldered the burden of  my parents divorce to protect myself and my brother. I met my ex in high school, she was co-dependent and quiet and shy so I knew I could protect her from the world and life and took that on. We then had kids and I then was here on this planet to protect them and work too many hours to provide for them, missing out on all the little things that are important in their lives.

Through all this I realized that I had not once taken any time to care for my own heart, figure out who I was, analyze what all my issues were, what kind of mate I’d like to be with, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, what I wanted to do as a career….I just kept going and going, sacrificing myself logistically and emotionally for others, and resenting it in many cases.

As this fog clears, I see there are now so may gaps in who I am as a mate, a father, an individual. I’m now working to fill these gaps through counseling and changing my habits. I now see the kids for half the week and instead of coming home and working some more while they sit around and watch TV, I make sure we go somewhere, anywhere…to the beach, out to eat, to the park…somewhere that we can interact with each other for a few hours and be silly and create smiles and memories that I probably appeared to never be interested in with them before.

We were so young and I had to work to make sure we weren’t poor like I was. I just got stuck in that mindset of making sure I always had work to do so that we’d never be poor and things would always be stable. There was a price that had to be paid for that and in many ways I believe the kids paid that price. I also paid the price for not learning how to smell the roses and losing touch with the ones that were most important to me.

The thing is I can’t beat myself up for that crap. Now is the opportunity for me to switch the railroad tracks, to fill all those gaps inside my psyche and heart that I have as a result of being so young, being a child, rushing into making adult decisions. It’s time to reprogram my relationship with my children so that it’s more connected, in tune and present. It brings me to tears even typing this as I sit on an airplane for a business trip right now. I forgive myself but I think it will always be hard to talk about.

I’ll be starting a weekly meditation class, painting more, playing drums more, doing more photography, reading more books, taking the kids on more trips with just their dad, more than they ever thought we’d do because of who I was before. I’m excited about the canvas that is empty and laid out before me in all facets of my life. I still struggle here and there to see the endless potential still because I spent so many years as a rat in a cage of accountability and responsibility that had no light outside. The door to the cage is wide open but parts of me want to try and close it again cause it’s all I know. Fortunately I have so many people in my life that are encouraging me and keeping me on track, encouraging me to leave the cage and explore.

I’m working hard towards being more centered with everything and everyone around me…..I have so much work to do but I’m so excited to have the opportunity to do so.

More later.

The Format Of This Blog Is Now Changing

So as I turn the corner from the initial shakedown of all this and move into self-discovery mode,  I will be posting only a couple times a week as opposed to every day. Posting every day was getting me through the minutiae of the last phase I was going through when all this started. It was a place to vent, rant, work through my thoughts by writing them out. I’m starting to move past that now and am focusing on myself, going through some self-actualization, traversing mental landscapes inside myself that I had locked away for so long, starting the journey of figuring out who I really am since I never had a chance to do so for the last 15 years.

I’m starting to meet new people now outside of my normal grind and am experiencing new things about myself already. We have a lot to work through on the logistical front for the divorce and we are going to tell the kids after school gets out so we don’t ruin the rest of the school year for them.

Balancing My Head vs. My Heart

I’m working on some key stuff from counseling right now that is really great. One of my first issues is that as an extrovert, I’ve always just splattered my stuff against a wall for everyone to see and look at, wearing my heart on my sleeve at all times, I feel it and say it out loud, my nerve endings on the outside of my body. My next step with this is to learn how to be more selective with the things I talk about, balancing out my head vs. my heart when I think through stuff, learning how to have things for myself that are mine so that I can break the habit of feeling like everything I have going on mentally/emotionally fun and otherwise, I need to share it with everyone. While I’m not planning on bottling anything up, I just need to learn that my heart, my brain are mine and that I can spend some time in my head figuring things out at a slower pace. For the longest time, out of neediness, my own co-dependency, my own insecurities, I’ve always felt secure only if I’m engaging everyone in my own chaos and shit. It’s time to re-evaluate that and it’s time to stop.

I’m gonna head off to do some photography and bbq with some friends. More to come later.